Looking For My Real Father
“Why don’t you have a daddy?”
At the tender age of two, TJ asked me a question I wasn’t quite ready to answer.
From as early as I could remember, I have always been asked about my father. It wasn’t enough data for others to know my dad left when I was five. People want to know the reasons why and whether I knew where he was now.
I didn’t mind them asking, because I really didn’t have much to tell.
Growing up without a father has impacted me innumerably, especially in my perception of God.
A Paradox of Fathers
As a little girl, I first came to know God as my Best Friend, Jesus. In contrast, God as Father was a rather fuzzy Sovereign who was distant, but in control. Without an actual person to call father, I was left with the impressions of other dads I had seen briefly, if at all, in my friends’ homes.
It didn’t help that the God of the Old Testament often appeared angry and punitive. “Holy” to me meant don’t-get-Him-mad-and-don’t-do-anything-He-doesn’t-like.
I did, however, encounter a paradox in my relationship with God the Father. Whenever I was most afraid, in dire need of counsel, or felt unloved, God would speak to me — as the Father of my dreams.
During those times, God, as Father, was the most loving, gentle, and generous person I’ve always longed to have in my life.
So, you see, I carry a contradiction of God images — one who is disinterested and detached, and another who is attentive and smiling at me.
Who is the real father?
What Children Understand About God
God must know I need my real Father even more these days, because He’s brought an article to cross my path: What Do Children Understand About God, by Nurture Shock’s co-author, Ashley Merryman.
It has helped shed some light on how I came to first understand God as a little girl.
“It is parenting which dictates children’s vision of God.
… if parents are extremely strict and punishing… their children are more likely to believe that God is punishing, angry, and powerful.
for children who have extremely strained relationships with parents – or when a parent is absent from their lives–
…[those children] increasingly think of God as a surrogate parent…with the traits of an idealized version of the missing parent – who is caring, attentive, and highly involved in their day-to-day lives… “
I believe that the Holy Spirit is the One who “dictates” and regenerates our vision of God, once we become His children. But, as God calls us to put off our old identity and put on the new, it is eye-opening to understand how our old thinking may have formed our opinions today.
Reading this article has renewed a desire to know my real Father better and to look for Him afresh in the Scriptures. I need only to draw closer and He will draw near to me.
The role of a father cannot be undervalued. The importance of a loving one to reflect God’s true nature cannot be overstated.
The older I grow, the more I have a need for one — the real One.
“Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he,
I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you. ” ~ God
Isaiah 46:4
How has your relationship with God the Father evolved over time?
What influenced your understanding of our Heavenly Father?
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its so true…. how our earthly father can have such an impact on how we imagine our heavenly father. I am so sorry about you growing up without an earthly father, but thankful that you were able to come to understand how much your heavenly father loves you!
Such an important issue for today, with millions of children growing up without examples of loving fathers. Thanks for sharing your story!
I am just beginning, and I have a feeling I am going to be overwhelmed by how much about Him I didn’t know.
Thank you for your honesty and transparency. I can only empathize since I grew up with a great earthly father. Recently our pastor challenged the fathers of the church with this exact challenge. That their children’s views and understanding of God are developed through their example of their earthly father.
Good thoughts, Bonnie!
No wonder your writing reflects such joy and confidence! You are blessed to reflect what you receive to others who you meet.
I know all to well the impact and absent father can have on a person’s view of God. Growing up, I didn’t trust Him because I didn’t trust him. God has slowly, patiently, tenderly, been pealing back the layers – exposing erroneous truths in my foundation – buliding it back up with what He truly is.
Thank you for this post today –
grace to you,
aimee
Isn’t God amazingly wise and loving, in knowing just when and how much can be peeled back and how faithful He is to build it back up? Your sharing is encouraging me to keep entering in this new beckoning.
Oh my goodness, I know EXACTLY how you feel on this. My dad skipped out when my mom was pregnant with me and I found him when I turned 19. Our relationship is quite complicated. I had a step-dad that made life miserable, so I too had a very skewed image of fatherhood. I spent my entire life trying to figure out why my dad didn’t want me, and if my own father didn’t want me, why would anyone else. It was a vicious cycle. I think recently I’ve finally been able to embrace God as the father I never had, but I also know that I am forever left with issues from not having a dad. My mom passed away a few years ago, so God is really forcing me to try and work something out with my dad, but it will never be what it should have been. Thank you so much for the encouraging words today!
Oh, Lauren. I know how you feel – about it seeming like we are forever left with issues of not having a dad. It is painful to know it will never be what it should have been. It is part of our grieving .. and one day, we can say, it will be part of our healing too. May God bless you with intimate knowledge in your process of working through it all. I feel blessed by your sharing.
You might enjoy two books by Robert Coles: The Spiritual Life of Children and The Moral Intelligence of Children.
As always, Mo — you have a wealth of inspiration and knowledge to share. Thank you! I will look into it.
Bonnie, this hurts today.
My sister called last night in tears after a conversation with our dad. He was trying to fix things for her, things she can’t talk about, things he won’t engage with.
“…[those children] increasingly think of God as a surrogate parent…with the traits of an idealized version of the missing parent – who is caring, attentive, and highly involved in their day-to-day lives…”
This is how my sister WANTS to see God, but she can’t accept His care. This quote just blew that open for me.
And I hurt too, because I’ve been thinking about my dad, watching Piper becoming Daddy’s little girl, wondering when I lost that relationship with him, if I ever had it. Things seem complicated.
I never think of God as Father, except in reference to Jesus.
Was just stopping by to say hello, return your comments from these last weeks. Your post really hit me. Thank you. I think. You have given me much to digest.
Our children are a gateway to healing, unexpected, aren’t they?
How special it is to be woven into your connection with the conversations with your sister and your father — it is special because it is our faith connection. As always, Kelly, you encourage me.
Bonnie,
There is A LOT to think about here. I grew up Catholic, viewing God as either distant or punishing (and looking at my relationship with my own father — a very strict drill sargeant in the Army AND a high school guidance counselor…how’s that for a combo? — that’s an interesting connection for me to think regarding in my past and present relationship with God). I’ve gown a lot in my faith in recent years…but still don’t have a cozy, nurtured, dependent relationship with God. I still struggle so much for control. So I’m working on that. I’ve come a long way — from fearful believer, to non-believer, and now back to tentative believer. So it’s a journey that has many miles ahead.
Thanks again for this very well-written and thoughtful post. I have a feeling I’ll be mulling this one for days to come.
Oh, my goodness, Michelle! A drill sargeant AND a hig school guidance counselor? God ways are higher than our ways. It must be so – hearing your journey. That cozy, nurtured dependent relationship is a great way to describe the destination of experiencing God as Father. It is so inspiring to hear the honesty of the tentative place currently with God. I know God is taking us deeper, by the day.
well, just in the last 3 or 4 weeks god has been dealing with me on my daddy issues. and here is another prompting, another gift. i watched my dad od when i was 10 and the next time i saw him was trying to stand beside his casket as my legs refused to support me. from the night my mom told us he died in the ambulance until 2 weeks ago i had not cried over his death. i don’t know why. i knew i needed to. i wanted to. i’ve had years of therapy and have cried about everything else in my life. then something happened a couple of weeks ago and the tears came. they lasted all day and into the night. For 34 years I have been stuck so this has been big. it’s freedom because being stuck back in that place has been the basis of so much pain and misstep for these past years. i struggled to see god as father, daddy, and papa. i still do. every day is yet another lesson in discovering what a father is and is not. Thank you for sharing your story. i’m adding it to my string of god promptings, as, i guess god has decided it is time to deal with the trauma of that day. god is so amazing how he pulls everything together at the perfect time, just so amazing.
Judy, it is amazing how God is bringing healing into your life. May God bless this special time of drawing close to God as Father draws close to you.
How beautiful you shared. I appreciate this statement so much:
“The older I grow, the more I have a need for one — the real One.”
Yes, we all have a need for the real Father, and we never outgrow that need, but grow more into it every year. Thank you for sharing.
May we grow more into it…
Very true- our earthly parents determine and often limit how we view our heavenly Father. The saddest thing is that too many stop there, don’t allow the Holy Spirit to lead and guide into all truth about who He really is. To come past those limited perceptions is a blessing indeed! I pray more and more find their “real” Father.
Thanks, Bonnie.
Stopping is a good contrast to continue to pursuing and responding.
As a child, He was mystical…unattainable…way out there in a scary, unimaginable kind of way. As a teen, He became touchable, fathomable and yet still distant to my mind. As a young adult, He turned to something easily discarded as He was not numbing my hurts as I needed Him to.
But now…He is available…reachable…tender while still Holy…understanding while still undesribeable…
Now, He is my Father…in more ways than one.
Great question…excellent post.
Glad I was pointed in your direction
Glad you were pointed here, too!
“But now…He is available…reachable…tender while still Holy…understanding while still indesribable…”
Beautiful words of sharing. The journey to know the Father goes deep in the hearts.
I had an absentee father. It’s kind of wierd to say this since he lived with us. He came home from work, ate dinner, watched tv, and went to bed. He played basketball in the winter and softball in the summer. I went to his games and played with my sister. I seldom watched him play. He just didn’t interact with us much. He was just there. My mom was much different. She interacted with us ALL the time. She used her anger to manipulate and control us. She also played with us and told us about Jesus. My thoughts of God and how He related to me was a mixture of how my parents, but mostly my mom, related to me. It wasn’t a good picture, but one that held me through my childhood and young adulthood. When I got married, I took that picture and applied it to my hubby too. FatherGod used my relationship with my hubby to teach me about His love for me. I expected my hubby to respond to me as my mother did and he didn’t. Through the first years of our marriage, I learned to trust my hubby’s love for me. My self-defense mechanism was lying. This protected me from my mother’s anger and I used it in circumstances in our marriage thinking it would protect me from my hubby’s. FatherGod wouldn’t let me. Each time I lied to my hubby, FatherGod told me to confess to him. At first it was so very hard because I thought my hubby would be so angry at me. He never was. He’d forgive me right off the bat and never held it against me. No matter how many times this happened, his response was always the same. My hubby didn’t stop loving me, withhold his affection, nor get mad at me. I was floored! FatherGod would point out to me that He loved me in the same manner. At first I wasn’t too sure of it, but I was hopeful this was the case; after all, my hubby did. As time went by and through many circumstances, FatherGod showed me that not only did He love me in the manner my hubby did, but oh so much more!
What a beautiful blessing God has poured out to you, loving you through your husband. May God continue to bless you and your husband who reflects the grace, affection and conditional love of Father God! You have a powerful testimony of God’s goodness. May it flow from you to others, as you share the grace you have received.
Awesome words!! I love that verse in IS. Thank you for sharing!!
You’re welcome!
A wonderfully telling picture on how we come to understand our Heavenly Father from one who has walked that path. I, too, have walked this path of understanding but my vision was shaped by a loving, present daddy whose arms still remain outstretched to me, no matter the condition of self.
You’re right; the Holy Spirit conforms us, shapes us, and grows us into a healthier, holier understanding about our Father. I pray he continues to make himself evident to you as you dig deeper into his Word for answers.
Hi. Over here from Ann’s place. Love your blog.
peace~elaine
Thank you for your prayerful comments — and I am excited for the anticipation.
I am so happy that you have a present daddy whose arms still remain outstretched, no matter what. May you drink it in deeply and hug that daddy of yours extra hard — and may that love flow to those around you to bless.
I did not really grow up in a Christian home as my parents seldom ever attended church. But my parents were loving and encouraging. They have always been there for me without any judgmental statements whatsoever toward me.
So, as a young Christian when a person mentioned that the Father is a good God. I instantly understood the revelation. Why? Because my dad is a great guy and I figured God is like my dad, only much, much better.
My wife had a tyrannical, abusive dad. And she has always struggled with believing the Father is a good God. This does not mean she doesn’t love Him because she does. It’s just that she lacks the reckless abandon to trust Him in every situation and suffers some because it.
My advice for those who do not have a great revelation that the Father is a good God: keep crying out for this important revelation. It’s His deepest desire to give it to everyone.
Trusting with reckless abandon… Wow. That is a BEAUTIFUL picture. May God bless you and your wife — with His continual love as God the Father. Appreciate your words to today’s post.
This is such a powerful post, Bonnie. We had a guest speaker at our church who wrote The Father Connection and he talked about this very thing. We bought the book and Mike and I have both read it since… I highly recommend it.
Have a beautifuld day!
Genny
I will take a look at that book, Genny. Thanks for passing it on for this post. If you happen to write a post about it, let me know. I’d love to read about your experience!
This is such a great post, Bonnie, and one that really resonates with me. I had an abusive and neglectful dad and it’s only been in the last few years of developing a strong relationship with God that I see He will never leave me and He was there with me all along. I never learned to trust my dad and so trusting God in all my situations has been hard for me…but I’m getting there. For me, just making the decision to believe and have faith has made all the difference…even if I don’t “feel” it sometimes…I “know” it.
As always, thank you!
Jackie
It is as though we are taking one step closer to God as Father, each time we make the “decision to believe and have faith”. It is hard to shake our initial feelings, but when we do it, God is faithful to meet us at our point of need.