Open Spaces — Going Off Script
1 mile long by 1.34 miles wide.
100,000 residents are boxed into a square mile full of one-way streets.
Tourists from all four corners of the world come to visit. With cameras glued in one hand, those in matching cargo shorts plod through Chinatown, San Francisco to stop and peer through smudgy windows. Some save a lifetime to travel to the City-by-the-Bay and as a side attraction, make a detour here.
They snap pictures at paper-painted fans, hand-carved jade pendants hanging in glass displays, and rummage through a pile of plastic cable cars on sale for two dollars and ninety-nine cents.
Passing right by them is a different group of travelers. These people gave up everything to breathe the air in this very neighborhood.
They hurry past with solemn faces and blue-collared hands. A Chinese man brushes past, in frayed clothes, cigarette smoldering between his fingers. His eyes are tired from seeing the same street corner, around the same time, for as long as he can remember. He takes a lazy turn into one of the noodle shops.
He is a bus boy. He collects orphaned chopsticks, half-eaten bowls of soup, and dumps them into a large plastic bucket that pushes on squeaky wheels.
He could have been my father.
They all arrive with dreams brimming in their eyes — just like the sixteen year old girl who landed on a transcontinental flight from Hong Kong many years ago. I would soon be by her side. Unamed, yet to be born.
First Born
I do.
With these two words, fate — according to my mom — plucked her from Hong Kong, the #4 most densely populated country in the world — 7 million people in a 426 square mile island – to the oldest Chinatown in North America. The #2 most densely populated city.
I was born in the largest Chinese community outside Asia.
When she said I do to the matchmaker, my mom said it was a one-way street with no U-turns.
“Why did you do it?” I’d always ask, “How could you marry a stranger ten years older and move where you didn’t know a soul or speak the language?”
“Because… ” Ah-Ma explained, “It was my fate. Our family was poor. I wasn’t the first-born and I wasn’t a son. Poa Poa, your Grandmother, pleaded for my six younger siblings and a better life.”
I was the first-born of Ah-ma’s two daughters. She had no other sons.
That was my fate.
Dreams
I was excited and nervous waiting for the elevators doors to open.
Portsmouth Square.
This park, with more concrete than grass, sits on a sloping hillside, right above the parking lot I drove into. It’s one of the few open spaces in Chinatown. So, it’s everyone’s front porch.
It’s been remodeled. I remember a tree here and there. They’re gone.
One thing hasn’t changed. The people. There are still old men playing Chinese chess and old women sitting on park benches. Kids still tear through the playground, like metal balls ricocheting in a pinball machine.
It’s not like the suburbs here, though. There isn’t a separate playground for the toddlers and another one for the big kids. Big and small, we all played together, fell into the tanbark and got itty bitty splinters lodged in the palm of our hands when we jumped off the monkey bars.
I stopped to look at the small children playing, especially the two to three year olds. They’re the same age I would’ve been. They looked so sweet and innocently happy, impervious to the hopes and expectations of the ones watching them nearby.
In time, they will have dreams of their own.
What will happen when their dreams start to run in the opposite direction than those of their parents?
Fate
Fate.
It can mean different things to different people.
It’s the schoolyard bully we’re afraid to fight.
Sometimes, fate is like a sandy-brown-haired crush, who sat in front of me in junior high math class. We wish fate would turn around and smile and pass us a favorable note.
Other times, fate is a bad dream that finds you, even if you count cute, fluffy sheep and drift off with sunsets in slow descent.
Fate was all these things to me. It was never a friend.
It didn’t matter where I lived — school-aged in a small town inland, collegiate in trendy West Los Angeles, nature-bound in the mission field, or high-heeled in the Financial District of downtown San Francisco. It was all the same.
Running from fate didn’t make it go away.
There will always be a one-way street to walk down.
Right around the corner.
Open Spaces
The way to deal with fate is to stop running from it.
To get off the maze of one-way streets, my desire to walk by faith had to grow stronger than my drive to determine my fate. Translation: I had to fail.
Even as a Christian, doubt can make you feel broken enough to try and fix everything yourself. That’s when fate starts to follow and find you.
I came to a point where I had to run for the hills.
Do I believe God’s plan for me is greater than fate?
I didn’t know how to really answer this question until I had enough in life to lose.
When the script in life is still new, it’s easy to say yes. But, when the same script gets played over and again, it’s harder to go off script.
A time comes to break away. It’s the point of no return. You say goodbye to what has been, count the cost, and still lose it all. Even if you have no idea what’s next.
It’s a one-way ticket to wide open spaces.
The good news is that if you’ve taken such a journey once in your life, it means it won’t be the last time. If you haven’t, it’s never too late…
To Be Continued…
~~~~~
Open Spaces. Are you running away from it, towards it, or breathing in it?
~~~~~
What happens next on my journey to find the hospital and home I was born in?
Tune in next time, as I continue the story — “Going Off Script”.
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I hope the stories will inspire you to experience God’s encouragement, to embrace His story for you.
Faith. It takes us off script.
Going Off Script are a collection of scenes from my story, interspersed along with my regular brews. I'm telling it fresh, for the first time, as I take the journey to remember. Be sure to stay tuned in for my next Going Off Script post, as I continue my story. SUBSCRIBE NOW to get the next post in these series and more from FaithBarista hot and fresh directly in your mailbox via email (click here) or RSS (click here) news reader.
Sheryl on What I Killed & What I Want To Write Instead
Vikki Sapp on What I Killed & What I Want To Write Instead
Vicky on What I Killed & What I Want To Write Instead
Debbie on What I Killed & What I Want To Write Instead
Katy on What I Killed & What I Want To Write Instead
You’re still processing it all, aren’t you? I sense it as I read you here. You are brave, to face all this that you didn’t think to face again. Thank you for sharing your journey.
.-= Kelly Langner Sauer´s last blog ..lift =-.
Yes, I am.
Thanks for sharing a powerful story of your life journey. When I read it I am mesmerized and I thought of this quote.
Faith is like radar that sees through the fog. ~Corrie Ten Boom
I know He helps us see through the fog….
Peace,
Jay
.-= Jay Cookingham´s last blog ..God Has Your Number =-.
That is the perfect quote for me in fog city, Jay. Thank you!
Bonnie – I love how you write. I have gotten criticized for writing in bullet format, but that’s how I think most of the time. You make effective use of that style here – and convey your story so well.
Bless you as you step out in faith with an open mind and heart. Keep the coffee brewing and hold on for the ride!
The bullet format is perfect for chatting with friends… keep writing, Carol…
“Even as a Christian, doubt can make you feel broken enough to try and fix everything yourself. That’s when fate starts to follow and find you.”
I identify with this phrase, have lived it, have been there….thank you for
putting into words many things I cannot identify well enough to put on paper.
Your gift opens me up.
Can’t wait for more of the story. Thank you for sharing your deepest
feelings. ~~ janelle
Thanks for letting me know this connected with you. Your words are a gift to me, Janelle.
Your story, your words, learning about your story…it’s all so mesmerizing! I love it. I love how you end each post with such suspense! Like my favorite “Novela” or soap opera. I really do look forward to every one of them!!!!
Now your question; “Are you running away from it, towards it, or breathing in it?”
I did run towards it, breathed in it and am now running from it..but God knows why and I remain in Faith and Prayer.
Thank You for this Bonnie.
It’s a process we are continually being brought back to … and coming out of renewed and changed somehow. Yes, it is faith… Happy to hook you in for the ride, right along with me!
Your story is fascinating. I love learning about the mysterious ways God works in the lives of his beloved.
It’s beautiful!
.-= Becky Ramsey´s last blog ..The Joy of Aarons Oily Hair =-.
Thanks, Becky!
It is good to be able to place oneself in a parent’s shoes…in a parent’s world….to understand the motivations behind the choices (if, indeed, choices existed)….and the actions. What led her to do this or that? What makes her assume I will feel any type of obligation to follow her dreams for me? Etc.
Excellent writing and storytelling.
I especially love the questions you pose.
I never asked before. Just didn’t want to explore. But, you’re right. Now, that I’m doing it, I’m facing the truth. And it is changing me as I discover it.
Bonnie, you are an inspiration to me.
I hate to displease the people I love and who love me. But sometimes God’s plans cause us to make a choice. I so want to choose …God’s way.
I am staying tuned in to your story. I encourage you to write your book. I for one, will buy it and share it with others. It’s a story that needs to be told
Blessings and love,
Debbie
.-= Debbie´s last blog ..Praying the Names of God King =-.
Yes. Me, too. It’s part of our human fate that God continues to offer an alternative choice. Thank you for your encouragement about writing a book, Debbie!
Thank you for sharing your story, Bonnie. I like how said to stop running from fate, you had to fail. I believe that. I think it’s silly to say “failure is not an option.” Sometimes it’s the best option. Failure is not the end though and we say “thanks be to God who always leads us in His triumph in Christ Jesus.”
Blessings to you, friend!
.-= jasonS´s last blog ..What I Deserve =-.
Now, that is totally QUOTABLE because it’s so true, Jason! You’ve got a gift for words.. Keep sharing it.
Bonnie,
Wow. This was powerful, as your writing always is. I was especially struck by two things you said:
“When the script in life is still new, it’s easy to say yes. But, when the same script gets played over and again, it’s harder to go off script.”
and
“What will happen when their dreams start to run in the opposite direction than those of their parents?”
The first is so true, and really made me think. And the second struck me as a mom. I pray that my daughter always strives toward her own dreams. Thank you for the reminder.
It’s an honor to be sharing in your story.
Hugs,
Genny
.-= Genny´s last blog ..Wheres she getting that from =-.
It’s an honor to find others, like you, who let me know, that my story is worth sharing… because we can find connection in it together. Thanks for being here, Genny.
It’s so brave of you to look back on this and process it all here. Thank you for sharing the journey with us. I’m praying for you as God reveals Himself and His guidance of your path. Great post, Bonnie!
.-= Melissa Brotherton´s last blog ..I Need a Nap =-.
Thank you, Melissa — very much! I want to see Him in it. Yes, I do.
Wow, Bonnie, I feel like I am walking with you when I read your story. Thank you for sharing your heart with us and your journey.
Open Spaces. Are you running towards it, away from it, or breathing it in? I have run and you are right running and hiding doesn’t make fate go away. Facing it and living it and breathing it, experiencing life is how to face fate. I am more willing to deal with it now than in the past. I am working on things to face them with God as my hope and maker of my dreams.
.-= Katie´s last blog ..Update on Matt =-.
You’re in a wonderful place, then, Katie — with God as your hope and maker of your dreams. Awesome.
You make me feel as if I’m there with you, Bonnie. You grip me with each installment.
.-= Anne Lang Bundy´s last blog ..Laying Hold of Gods Strength =-.
As I walk down the busy street with you in this chapter, I feel I am there. I see the people, the multicolored sights and hear the many sounds along the way. I get a glimpse into the atmosphere you grew in and into the experiences that shaped you. It is rich especially knowing God called you away to a different, freer life. I am so glad He did. He knew your story would touch hearts that struggle with difficult things and give a vision of what He can do in any situation no matter how difficult it may seem. And…if He can do these tough things, he can do the simple as well. The story helped me put my life experiences in perspective and remind me that our God is totally awesome. His love embraces every atom of life. I like the saying from the Talmud–”Every blade of grass has an angel that bends over it saying ‘grow.’” Thank you so much for this wonderful story. I love its colors, textures, and truth. It shows me yet another facet of faith’s experience and strengthens and enriches mine. I know the next chapter will bless as well. God bless and keep you!
Bonnie, you’ve such a way with imagery! I’m right there with you, somewhere I’ve never been…that’s a beautiful gift!
So powerful, Bonnie! Thank you for taking us by the hands (and hearts) and leading us into your story, His story for you, with your words. Beautiful. XOXO
.-= Holley Gerth´s last blog ..God-sized dreamssurviving on sprinkles =-.
This is such a powerful story and so much to process. Thank you for sharing so much of your journey because you’ve really provided a lot of food for thought.
.-= Kristine McGuire´s last blog ..What is Automatic Writing =-.