Lost — Going Off Script
Everyone who has ever taken a trip anywhere new on vacation has always gotten lost.
Some people even plan trips without an itinerary because they hope to stumble onto something exciting. Not me. I like my Fodor’s Travel Guides, thank you. You won’t find me on a tour bus, but you can always ask me for directions or get the scoop on the best place to grab lunch.
On the occasions I get disoriented, I try not to sweat. I’ve gotten used to feeling lost.
You’d never guess that looking at the street signs translated in Chinese and English, hanging side by side in San Francisco Chinatown. The streets are bilingual.
So am I.
A Cliche
Most people would say I have the best of both worlds. That cliche has never sat right with me.
A person can’t live with more than one identity without sacrificing one for the other. Without a place where you can fully belong, you are without a home. You end up doing anything — in my case, everything — to find your path and figure out why you’re here.
I caught on early that I was different from my mother and my father’s family who we were living with in their three bedroom house. Everyone spoke Chinese, while Kermit the Frog and Big Bird spoke another language on TV. When my parents divorced, I became the only friend I knew who never bought a Father’s Day card.
Unlike most of my friends in grade school who ate PBJs out of Hello Kitty lunch boxes and slurped milk from a Thermos cap, I carried a Free Lunch card in my pocket and ate cafeteria food. I loved it. My friends did too. They’d trade me fruit roll ups for my tater tots.
Later, when I went to high school, my friends and I had to take public transportation clear to the other side of town. We lived south of the railroad tracks and everyone who lived North either had their parents drop them off or walked a block or two to school.
Coming from a neighborhood of stoners, smokers, and harmless class cutters, the new kids in my freshman geometry class seemed cool or incredibly intellectual. We were located in the Silicon Valley, which meant their parents were working for IBM, National Semiconductor or alumni from Berkeley or Standford. I listened to their weekend reports with the same intrigue and enthusiasm as watching Brady Bunch on TV.
The most exciting thing I did was go to church. It was seriously the highlight of my week, singing hymns, laughing with my Sunday School friends and grazing on jellied donuts and Safeway chocolate chip cookies baked with fake M&Ms in the fellowship hall between worship services.
It seemed as if everyone and everything fit into some normal version of life, except me.
One Thing
That is how I found God. It didn’t take much to convince me that I needed God — because I wanted Him.
Finding Jesus was like walking into a big new house, with high beam ceilings and tall windows draped in white linen curtains blown lightly by an ocean breeze, with a picture of me smiling framed on the wall over the mantel. The idea of a God who loved me enough to leave His place of belonging to be lost and betrayed in this world was the very language that spoke into my loneliness that was resolute for better days.
As you walk through a myriad of curiosity shops and restaurants in Chinatown, look up at the canopy of signs decorating the city skyline. The names Chinese people give to their products and businesses leave nothing to chance.
“Superior Trading Company”… “Gold Star Unlimited”… “Lucky Fortune” …
I stop as foot traffic flowed around me like ants around a fallen twig. As I point my camera up to snap some pictures, the words appear headless. They hang in mid-air to attract attention, but what do they really mean?
The Chinese and Americans are not that different. The pursuit of happiness is one of the greatest freedoms, our God given right. What happiness means to each person, however, is the power of every drama, tragedy, and triumph.
Happiness has always meant one thing to me: to be loved and to belong.
With embarrassing naivete, I pursued this at all cost with my family, friends, and even God. Good ol’ God. He was always generous, humoring me, as He does His best work making use of clay pots and broken reeds.
Rough Rocks & Smooth Pebbles
Looking back now, I think differently. The times I have really felt I cherished were never attached to any effort on my part.
I felt most prized when I was remembered.
When I was younger, I dreamed of rapturous love that is euphoric and forte. As I stand on the sidewalk now — wondering if this trip was foolishly sentimental — a curious set of flashbacks jumped into my mind, like cards magically flying into my hands, ready to be dealt.
What I see in those vignettes, God reminds me that His love runs deeper, without barely a whisper.
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If you’ve ever hiked near a creek, just as the sun rises in cold autumn air, you understand how the beauty of quiet can turn the sound of running water into a melody that loudly trickles into your ears.
You would recognize the sound of rough rocks becoming smooth pebbles.
You would also understand that is why the moments you feel most lost are the very ones God seizes in your heart to simply say this — He remembers.
This is what started happening as I sifted through an unexpected deck of memories…
To Be Continued…
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What happens next on my journey?
Tune in next time, as I continue the story — “Going Off Script”.
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If you want to start at the beginning, read the earlier installments and click here.
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What are your thoughts? Share a comment. I’d love to hear. I reply on the blog in a day… or two.
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Faith. It takes us off script.
Going Off Script is a collection of scenes from my story, interspersed along with my regular brews. I'm telling it fresh, for the first time, as I take the journey to remember. Be sure to stay tuned in for my next Going Off Script post, as I continue my story. SUBSCRIBE NOW to get the next post in these series and more from FaithBarista hot and fresh directly in your mailbox via email (click here) or RSS (click here) news reader.
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“Jesus is for Losers” and we are proud of it! HE found you — on the edge of life. He left the 99 to grab you. Your retelling of this mission of love is gripping. Can hardly wait for the next chapter!
Thanks, David!
“You would also understand that is why the moments you feel most lost are the very ones God seizes in your heart to simply say this — He remembers.” Feeling lost today and I know I am that way because I am not taking the time to pursue my relationship with God. But reading your words reminds me that even though I am not consistent in pursuing my relationship with God He is always consistent in pursuing me…
Thanks for sharing where you’re at, Annette. He is always pursuing…
Bonnie – your retelling of this, your story, is so inspiring! The way you’re able to trace the moments God touched your life is beautiful. Can’t wait for the next chapter!
.-= Melissa Brotherton´s last blog ..Turning =-.
Thanks, Melissa!
Beautiful Bonnie, I love knowing more of you through your words…and the way you always show us more of Him through those words too. {HUG}
.-= Holley Gerth´s last blog ..Two little words that will change your world =-.
Thanks, Holley! Double Hugs right back!
You hit the nail on the head. I like your point about “the best of both worlds.” A man cannot serve two masters… The more we try, the more torn apart we become. It’s always the fight to fully invest ourselves in the divine. I thank God for a lot of grace.
Thank you Bonnie.
.-= jasonS´s last blog ..A Love That ReDefines =-.
He’s always there lovingly, throughout it all. Grace is a good word to describe the journey.
I love going down memory lane, if only to see where God was when I wasn’t looking. Your words leave me wanting more…to see where God was.
.-= Rachel @ the science of music´s last blog .. =-.
Thanks, Rachel!
Bonnie, I am so glad that you found that sense of belonging and love in God. Too many people look elsewhere to fill that void that only He can fill. You are blessed in that way.
When you write your story, I feel like I’m right there with you. You describe it all so well.
I am blessed by reading your words. I pray you will continue to share your story with us.
Blessings and love,
Debbie
.-= Debbie´s last blog ..Kristin is Getting Married =-.
Thanks for walking along the steps of this story, Debbie and making it a blessing.
Good points! I never thought about it that way about the different cultures.
.-= Nikole Hahn´s last blog ..About My “Family” =-.
Thanks for dropping by, Nikole!
I loved hearing about your journey — looking back seeing the thread that links all your experiences together. When the rest of the world seems distracted and too busy – God never is. I love that He calls us friend. He is the best friend I have – truest of love, always there ready to listen and counsel, always near with a sincerity of love and concern, always tells me the truth with love, provides for my needs, knows just how to comfort me, feels every emotion and understands. Amazing.
Rachel
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..Interruptions or Opportunities God Directing Our Paths =-.
“When the rest of the world seems distracted and too busy – God never is.” This is such a comforting reminder, Rachel. Thank you…
I really resonated with the statement that “A person can’t live with more than one identity without sacrificing one for the other.”
I think as an American we struggle to find our identity as a child of God. We have this mindset that we have to prove our faith and we often (with our American can do attitude) strive to be a child.
I am learning that I cannot just be his son and also strive to do enough to be his son. Those two cannot exist in the same moment.
Being always precedes doing.
D
“Being always precedes doing…” I like how you describe the dilemna, Darrell. Being a child is more attractive than ever…
thanks Bonnie. That is not my original thought. I heard it in a sermon from a pastor named Dr. Mike Rakes in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.
.-= Darrell´s last blog ..Why do I do church =-.
I love that he remembers us, when we think all is lost. And it is not through anything we do. I am sitting here holding back the tears, for that is where I am at. And it is nice to realize that HE does remember me. It is more than nice. It is incredible. Thank you Bonnie. Your story is beautiful. Your words are beautiful. Right now God is using them to remind me of so much.
.-= Katie´s last blog ..Remembering Sept 11 =-.
That is so encouraging. Thank you, Katie.
I facebooked this.
.-= Katie´s last blog ..Remembering Sept 11 =-.
Thanks, Katie!
You have left me speechless Bonnie. Such beauty and reality in every word.
.-= Kristine McGuire´s last blog ..I Don’t Know That I’d Call It Fascinating =-.
“The times you feel the most lost are the very ones God seizes in your heart to simply say this — He remembers.” Ah…those are healing words. I think we all feel lost from time to time, and it’s good to know that even though we cannot always feel His presence, He is there and loves us. This is a wonderful journey you are sharing with us. Thank you and God Bless!