Sidelined — Going Off Script
Before I knew what to call it, I heard jazz playing in the streets.
Smoky tunes would float through the air just as the sun began it’s descent and the San Francisco wind whipped in cold Pacific air. People still walking through the maze of streets would pull their jackets in tighter and pick up the pace.
On evenings like this, Mom and I didn’t trek up the steep sidewalks. We’d thread through the crowds towards a bus stop, to catch a ride home.
Nothing muffled the brassy puffs of a saxophone, not even restless shoppers or cars roaring past yellow lights. As we’d make our way down Grant Avenue — Chinatown’s main thoroughfare — the music grew louder. I’d step out ahead and grip my mother’s hand to get to the source.
He stood off in the sidelines — on storefront steps with crumpled bills and coins scattered in a black, opened case. I recognized my jazz street musician by fedora, woolly scarf and thin black leather shoes. I don’t know if he was always the same person, but it seemed so.
I’d slow down to steal a good, long look as I passed by. He would sway, head tipped down just enough to cover his eyes but not his nose or his lips, pressed around the mouthpiece of the sax.
The loudness of the horn always caught me by surprise. It punched through into my body, even if it played softly.
My mother would notice that I had stopped.
“C’mon…” she’d whisper in Chinese. “He’s drunk… Keep walking.”
Facedown
Chinatown isn’t located within walking distance to the Fillmore District, where jazz legends Billie Holiday, Charlie Parker and John Coltrane used to play gigs in the 40′s and 50′s. But, the city’s jazz influence was still alive in jazz clubs along North Beach — which is Chinatown’s Italian neighbor.
I never ventured past Columbus, the street dividing noodle houses and delicatessens selling pastrami and bocci balls. I was in my twenties by the time a guy I used to work with pulled out a seat for me at The Stinking Rose.
It wasn’t the first time I had pizza though.
Orange Julius. Have you ever been in one of those joints? Loud as heck. They’re the 70′s version of Jamba Juice — except they throw a bunch of orange powder with some ice in a blender and out pours a sweet, frothy orange beverage. They were good.
Orange Julius believed Chinese people would think so. They set up shop right on Grant. Because it was the only store that I’ve known to sell pizza along with their drinks, I’ve always called it My Orange Julius.
Mom would take me there, like a mother takes a child to Target for popcorn and Icee nowadays. I’d order the same pizza every time: Pepperoni.
The slice came thin and very cheesy, and unfortunately for my tiny fingers, slippery. Sometimes, right as I took my first bite, my piece of pie would do a flip, fall out of my hands and hit the plastic red basket on it’s way down to the floor. Facedown.
Blue Notes & First Love
You never know what sticks with you as you grow up. When you focus on making life better and chase after a dream, you don’t think about Plan B or what you’d do if there wasn’t one.
The future is bright because it hasn’t been lived yet.
Eventually, tomorrow suddenly becomes today. After a while, yesterdays grows longer. You stare at the calendar and have to count back to your birthday to remember how many candles to blow out.
You wouldn’t think it could ever happen. But, it happened to me.
Sidelined.
I kept the faith, but everyone and everything seemed to be moving forward. Except me.
Faith is a funny friend.
Deep and mysterious, Faith is the invisible score God weaves into the blue notes of life and offers a place for a soul to weep and memories to hurt.
He sang to me through jazz, turned me away from pretending and face into the truth of loss.
There, God made a space in me, to compose beauty and tenderness, healing and even passion.
Faith is mischievous.
It built a home for my heart when I didn’t believe there could be someone. God’s faithfulness brought me on a first date with my future husband a few decades later, when I thought singleness was my calling.
I stood in line for a movie. My date asked me what my #1 favorite food was.
Pizza.
He thought I was joking.
I answered with a smile. No. Really… Pepperroni.
God took the things that stood on the sidelines and made them integral parts of my story.
God took me — even as I faded into the sidelines — to bring my heart back to life.
~~~~~
As I stroll through Chinatown’s main street today, Orange Julius is gone. It’s morning, so street musicians are probably just pouring a second cup of coffee.
It’s bright and I’m walking at my own pace, understanding a little more than I did back then. I realize that every nuance in my story, even the random or non-essential, is important and significant to God.
Finding myself can happen right away or slowly. Even though it’s taken me some time, it’s okay.
Today, I’m walking straight into the sunshine to find more of me…
To Be Continued…
~~~~~
What happens next on my journey?
Tune in next time, as I continue the story — “Going Off Script”.
Subscribe Now and get my story directly sent to your email inbox.
If you want to start at the beginning, read the earlier installments and click here.
~~~~~
What are your thoughts? Share a comment. I’d love to hear. I reply on the blog in a day… or two.
~~~~~
Faith. It takes us off script.
Going Off Script is a collection of scenes from my story, interspersed along with my regular brews. I'm telling it fresh, for the first time, as I take the journey to remember. Be sure to stay tuned in for my next Going Off Script post, as I continue my story. SUBSCRIBE NOW to get the next post in these series and more from FaithBarista hot and fresh directly in your mailbox via email (click here) or RSS (click here) news reader.
Christy on Why The Biggest Hurt Can Become Your Biggest Gift { A Real Life Invite }
Hazel Moon on Why The Biggest Hurt Can Become Your Biggest Gift { A Real Life Invite }
Charina @ Pondered Thoughts on Why The Biggest Hurt Can Become Your Biggest Gift { A Real Life Invite }
Jeri Taira on Why The Biggest Hurt Can Become Your Biggest Gift { A Real Life Invite }
Alecia on Why The Biggest Hurt Can Become Your Biggest Gift { A Real Life Invite }
Your writing here somehow reminds me of Amy Tan. It feels like a book! Well done.
.-= Cassandra Frear´s last blog ..Right Where We Are =-.
Thanks, Cassandra!
Oh, my word, Bonnie. I could see it, smell it, hear it, taste it.
“I realize that every nuance in my story, even the random or non-essential, is important and significant to God.”
Yes.
Walking into the sunshine with you.
.-= Sandra Heska King´s last blog ..Tickle Me Pink Tuesday =-.
Love having you as walking companion…
I love this. Where I grew up (Orlando and Metro Detroit), we didn’t have neighborhoods like Chinatown and North Beach so close together – it was about as suburban as you can get. We didn’t have street musicians (that I can remember, except maybe at the park?) or Orange Julius. My pizza was usually delivered by Pizza Hut.
Even more, I love the idea that the little things are as much a part of our stories as the big, major events.
.-= Kristine´s last blog ..Challenging Comments =-.
“The little things are as much a part of our stories as the big, major events…” A beautiful truth that hides behind our everyday, against the loud headlines of big and major.
Wow Bonnie, this really got me thinking…
This may sound like a typical guy-thing to say, but I have found that sports have been a really important part of my life at key times. Though I rarely watch games other than in the play offs, sports have provided common ground with family members during tough times and colleagues with whom I’d generally have no other point of connection. Conversations can start with sports and then go into completely different directions after that first connection is made.
It was tempting to write off my childhood fascination with sports, but I have found that sports have created so many bridges for relationships and even for the Gospel over the years. Just a quick glance at the sports page can give me enough info to spark some conversations that could lead just about anywhere…
Now, that WOULD be interesting, Ed. And, I don’t associate the word “typical” with your writing.
“I kept the faith, but everyone and everything seemed to be moving forward. Except me.”
Yes, yes, I know the feeling. Don’t like it, either! Although, I don’t really know how to keep the faith, can only entrust myself to God that he will get me through. And part of me is heart-broken because I see in so many others an activity, a busyness, so much so that they don’t know they’re broken and not moving forward, and also the hearts’ cries for help, for “finding God and hope”, and yet I have no strength or inner offerings to give them because I’m so struggling myself.
“Faith is a funny friend.
Deep and mysterious, Faith is the invisible score God weaves into the blue notes of life and offers a place for a soul to weep and memories to hurt.
…
Faith is mischievous.
It built a home for my heart when I didn’t believe…
…
God took the things that stood on the sidelines and made them integral parts of my story.
God took me — even as I faded into the sidelines — to bring my heart back to life.
… ”
Thank you, Bonnie, for being an instrument of hope to me this morning.
“I realize that every nuance in my story, even the random or non-essential, is important and significant to God. …”
Yes, yes, oh hurray that it’s true. The part we forget, so often. The part we need continual reminders of! Thank you.
May God bless you richly today. It’s so good to know that we can be sisters together in the Lord even though we’re far away and don’t have a lot of communication with one another.
We both hear the One Voice, we nod and walk the same spiritual path. God sees everything you are and He is richly thinking of you in the everyday.
It’s so interesting to read about a childhood experience so different from mine. Yet, we’ve both grown to love the same Savior. God is so good.
.-= Melissa Brotherton´s last blog ..Shots- a Sucker and some Grace =-.
“Yet, we’ve both grown to love the same Savior. God is so good.” It is crazy amazing! Are we having a revival meeting here or what?! Seriously.
I like that thought, “mischievous faith.” I have a funny sideline story about salt and vinegar potato chips too…
.-= Kelly Langner Sauer´s last blog ..the weeping- freeze-frame celebration =-.
Aw. I want to hear it. Salt & Vinegar… That’d make a very interesting Kelly coffee break I would really enjoy…
Yum. Salt and Vinegar… my favorite. May I tag along?
I am sidelined now. Everyone around me sees and responds to different things in the same sentence, emphasizes different topics, expends effort in different areas. I’m stuck, staring at my own brokenness, hardly daring to believe that God could forgive and heal me, yet scared that He will because then He can ask anything of me and I will have to yield everything… including control which I prize the most.
.-= Joy´s last blog ..Proof That I Now Have Nerves of Steel =-.
God is bringing you to a place of great inner movement. You are going places that God is taking you — past anything of recognition. You will emerge with a story so utterly yours and completely, undeniably His. What lies past that point? Love your ending thoughts, Joy. Cliff hanger…
Love to hear people’s stories and it definitely helps when you can tell it as beautifully as you do, Bonnie. One thought stuck out to me so vividly as I read this. The idea that things and/or people on the sidelines may become integral to our story. Sometimes we close ourselves off to such bold changes in “our plans” and we miss so many joys. However, I’m convinced if we stay truly open to the Father, we will stay open to who and what He brings us (even if we fight with Him about it along the way).
Keep telling your story and thank you.
.-= jasonS´s last blog ..Book Giveaway- The Hole in our Gospel =-.
“even if we fight with Him about it along the way..” We do, yet He does.
We grasp at nothing less than “our plan”, while God is just baffled yet committed to us nonetheless.
I have fond memories of Orange Julius – but the one I went to didn’t have pizza. Probably because it was a kiosk in the mall. =)
Your story is such an interesting one to me. I guess it’s because of how you can look back and see that God was there, protecting your heart, even when you didn’t know Him yet. There are so many ways He draws us to Him – some from the earliest of their childhood, others in spite of their childhoods.
.-= Rachel @ the science of music´s last blog ..Monday Morning Meme =-.
Amen…
Bonnie, you share your story in such wonderful detail and imagery. I can picture the man with the sax and almost hear the music. The Orange Julius and pepperoni pizza are memories for me but in different places of the US.
Yes, God was in the midst of it all. And He had a Plan B for you. I’m so glad you met your future husband and now have the joy of a family to love. You are special and God loves you!
Blessings and love,
Debbie
.-= Debbie´s last blog ..Busyness and Avoidance =-.
Thank you, Debbie! Such an encouragement.
Bonnie….this absolutely reads like a book…just like one of your first commenters said. It’s due to God’s sovereignty that He not only deems significant our nuances, but uses them all the same – for a purpose today or one that will be revealed long after we’ve sojourned this earth…that is the beauty of pain and providence…have enjoyed catching a glimpse of this journey of yours.
.-= Melissa´s last blog ..Detour Revival =-.
“the beauty of pain & providence” Beautifully said. And the faith part of revealed purpose long after we’ve sojourned. Reminded me of Hebrews 12. Thank you, Melissa!
“You never know what sticks with you as you grow up.” But it comes out in bits and pieces and shocks the daylights out of you when it happens. At least that’s how it has been for this guy. Most of the things that have stuck with me are negative and I seriously wonder if even therapy can dispel the ingrained beliefs and behavior. Our ideologies are that deep!!!!
“The future is bright because it hasn’t been lived yet.” Personally, I find it easier to have faith in the unseen future than it is to have faith for what’s right in front of me. My imagination seems to be larger than my reality (or what I perceive it to be) SO I can believe that God will do something with the time that has yet to be lived more than He can do something in the present. SAD DAY, right? but your statement is entirely true!
Bonnie, I love your story and your thoughts. Just thought you should know.
.-= Jake´s last blog ..Watch out! =-.
LOL. Humor is often steeped in what we experience, but hard to admit. Ideologies run deep. What to do as we discover them?
“My imagination seems to be larger than my reality…” A hallmark of a passionate life. How God works in this space? … hmm…
Thanks for your thoughts, Jake!
Hey Bonnie-
When I first started reading this I got all these fond memories of my visits to San Francisco – the chilly sunshine after the fog, the climbing, Chinatown, even the Stinking Rose! I love that city. Our family took a week’s vacation there a couple years ago. Our first stop after we landed was a bee-line to get dim sum!
I love the way you reflect on making sense of the seeming randomness of life, and how it fits back into our faith journey. That is, at the essence, all life is. And to write about it, and put the pieces together, that is a great path of spiritual growth. And it helps the rest of us figure it out, too.
Blessings to you!
I love your descriptions. Again…I feel I am right there. Thank you so much for sharing this journey. Self discovery takes a life time. All sorts of experiences shape us. I’m always thankful that God is there as we live these times.
We’ve been on a journey these past few weeks–saying ‘goodbye.’ Goodbye to my son and his new wife. They left yesterday for Rota, Spain and will be stationed at that Naval Base for the next three years. We took them to Norfolk Naval Base for their departure yesterday. Early this morning, I awoke missing them. I am now waiting for an e-mail from them just to confirm they had a good flight and are beginning to settle in. So right now I feel I’m in limbo…waiting to hear but knowing they are safe and beginning a wonderful new adventure. But…I can’t wait to embrace them again.
Thank you so much for your posts. God bless and keep you.