Giving Myself Permission To Be Loved
To experience God’s love, we sometimes need to get into character. Let me tell you what I mean.
A couple weeks ago, I shared the story of how I met my husband and how I tried to run away from love. I had to risk running into the wide open spaces where the lightning of rejection could leave me burned.
I also said it wasn’t the first time I tried to sabotage romance.
I had managed my life to a state of contentment and I was happy to not let anyone rock the boat. Especially if I suddenly thought he was cute, funny and attractive.
Well, July 4th weekend was coming up and a bunch of our friends decided to go on a road trip to Southern California and ride the crazy roller coasters at Magic Mountain.
This will be it, I thought. 5-6 hours in the car with Bonnie? This guy’s finally going to figure out what he’s gotten himself into.
I told myself I wasn’t going to tell him my life story and I was definitely not going to talk about my insecurities and hang ups.
Hello! I wasn’t born yesterday. I know guys don’t like touchy, feely stuff. We just started dating for two months.
Well, wouldn’t you know it. The day before we left, a big drama bomb exploded in my life. Even though I was emotional soup inside, I was successful enough to avoid any topics about my family four hours into the trip.
We talked about country music, college days, our favorite this and pet peeve that.
Suddenly, Prince Charming asks me about my family. Just innocently.
Water works. Big time. I’m sorry. More leakage. There goes the mascara.
I decided to pop his bubble. I’m not Cinderella. I don’t have a glass slipper.
I proceeded to tell him, “I’m not the girl you probably think I am. My life is very complicated. You really don’t want to get involved with me. You need to find yourself someone who is free to love you.”
I’ll always remember his response. He was quiet. Then, he said to me, his voice filled with tender concern, “I don’t want to be with someone else… What is it? Tell me.”
Before I told him, I gave him full permission to break up with me and I wouldn’t be hurt. I’d understand.
Then, I spilled the beans about a family plight I had only told one other person in my entire life.
I’ll never forget that car ride. I discovered love by sharing the one secret I felt would surely have him high tailing out of my life.
That wasn’t the last time I’d show a wound that I thought was ugly enough to turn love away.
Each time, it only drew him closer to me — and a love I didn’t think was possible reached down into my heart and established it’s roots.
I began a similar journey with God this past year. I’ve started showing him some wounds I didn’t think were very attractive as a daughter of a King.
Deep inside, I have a fear of not being enough for God.
When I feel myself getting too complicated, I tend to get quiet with God.
I’d gotten so used to maintaining a safe life and being content with my lack of confidence, I lost touch with using my faith to imagine a God who loves me unconditionally.
What if I feared how my life would change, if I really believed God loved me unconditionally?
I decided to challenge what I believe was the limit of God’s love for me.
I’ve come to realize I play an important part in this new discovery: I’ve got to let Him in.
I’ve got to let God love me – by giving myself permission to be me.
I’m daring to tell him my deepest fears about myself and I’m learning there’s a whole other side of God I haven’t experienced fully yet.
I’ve trusted God to provide my necessities.
I counted on Him to keep me on the right path.
I’ve depended on Him as a friend and confidante.
But I’m still not fully convinced that He loves me out of pure delight.
Getting Into Character
I’m still new at this “God is dancing over over you” image. Whenever I try to picture this in my heart, it feels fairytale like. Awkward even.
But I am giving myself permission to be me, getting into character and brainstorming a list of new attitudes and changes. Because God says He loves me unconditionally.
I’m hoping to see God dancing over me then.
This time, I’m not going to stop Him.
“… as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,
so will your God rejoice over you.”
~ Isaiah 62:5
What would be on your list — if you got into “character” of the one God dances over?
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