Why I’ve Been Away & Why I Must Write Today
My throat feels tight. Thick.
I swallow hard.
I am doing one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.
I am writing.
To you.
About why I’ve been away.
About why I haven’t written.
But, I must.
There is no other choice – if I want to be free.
I must write.
Even though I am afraid.
I must write.
Even if I don’t know where all these words will lead.
I am writing…
Because Jesus is telling me I must – trust Him.
With the truth.
Of why I’ve been away.
The last time I wrote to you on my blog was March 15, 2012.
That was four months ago.
Too Quiet
Those of you who have been walking alongside me here on the blog throughout the years, swapping stories and sharing comments may have noticed something odd. Except for the monthly writing I do for DaySpring’s incourage site, I have been quiet. Too quiet.
Ever since I created FaithBarista.com — which will reach it’s three year birthday soon — words have pushed out of my heart, through my fingers onto this blog, the way a newborn child presses out of the womb, words flowing, like water breaking onto the floor .
My voice, silent for so long tumbled and spilled out. Messy, with life.
I began blogging five times a week, settling into a steady three-post rhythm, eventually hitting my stride by publishing twice. I began hosting a weekly Thursday community blog link-up called Faith Jams. I found my passion, serving up writing prompts to explore real, everyday faith topics — fueled by you. Your voices. Your stories.
I wasn’t alone anymore.
It was in that place of freedom, God planted in my heart, the Book-That-Would-Not-Go-Away. To my surprise, a childhood passion to write took the form of a God-sized dream to publish a book. Revell offered me a book contract and the deadline for my manuscript was set.
Everything seemed to align according to God’s will and purposes for me.
To write.
To have a voice.
To be free.
And then it happened.
Trauma.
Trauma
The month leading up had been a nightmarish marathon of battling winter illnesses. Pneumonia and a nasty virus called Strep collided with my boys three-year-old CJ and six-year-old TJ for weeks. Sick little boys don’t sleep well, spelling sleep deprivation for me. Hubby Eric caught the flu and I ended up flat on my back with the Strep-throat too.
I was completely exhausted and utterly behind on my manuscript.
To get me back on track, sweet Eric surprised me by booking a cottage at a local retreat center for some uninterrupted time away.
I packed my bags and drove up into the mountains along Bear Creek Road.
Nestled in thick foliage and dark night crickets, my heart surged with hope. As I grabbed myself some tea in the cafeteria, I overheard other guests sigh with disappointment. We were caught in the heavy drizzle of a winter storm. But, I was euphoric. A rainy weekend in a cozy cabin, typing next to a window with a view? A writer could ask for nothing more. I was golden.
Back in my room, I began unpacking, spreading my papers and notes across the floor in the layout of each chapter. I knelt to pray. I asked God to prepare His words for me. I asked the Holy Spirit to speak into my heart for the work ahead. I thanked Him for the beauty of His presence in my life. I spent the remaining afternoon enjoying spiritual whitespace, revisiting passages of Scripture and journaling prayers to God.
It was the perfect way to begin my writing retreat. It would be time for dinner soon. As I gathered my coat, placing my hands in my gloves, I had no inkling of what was waiting ahead, as I closed the door behind me.
Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to experience.
I have hiked in storms, rain soaking down into my socks, lightning and thunder crackling at every side.
Yet, in less than 10 minutes of walking up a muddy hillside, I was about to fall into the most terrifying, traumatic trek in my 41 years of life.
Something Very Wrong
My heart started racing.
Then, it started pounding.
My chest tightened.
My throat started narrowing.
The sky turned white and my entire world became over-saturated with light.
I couldn’t see.
I started to feel dizzy.
Sick. Then nauseous.
I wouldn’t have been so alarmed, if I hadn’t started gasping. For air.
Choking.
Oh my God! What’s happening?
I fell to the ground.
I. can’t. breathe.
I choked my way through the next dizzying minutes. How many passed, I don’t know.
That night, as I struggled with sleep in the dark, my body became flooded with feverish chills. Hot flashes.
I must be stricken with some weird, awful sickness. I thought.
The next day, after writing a chapter, walking on that same path, it happened. Again.
Something must be very wrong.
A Dangerous Endeavor
I returned home to see the doctor, but my tests came up normal.
Every night, for the next three months, whenever I went to bed, I was jolted awake. I would fall fast asleep and suddenly, my throat would constrict and I would start choking. Hot flashes would fire through my body, sending my heart palpitating like crazy and my chest heaving, as I struggled to recover my breath.
It took weeks and weeks of torturous insomnia, fear, and confusion stumbling down rabbit trails and misdiagnosis until I understood what I was experiencing. I went through a revolving door of doctors, counselors, and pastors — until I finally found an expert who understood the cause of my suffering.
I don’t have cancer.
No, my faith isn’t broken.
No, there isn’t a hidden sin unconfessed.
And no, I don’t have a mental illness.
You won’t believe it.
I didn’t believe it.
Apparently, writing can be a dangerous endeavor.
My friends, writing this book has opened up trauma from my childhood.
What I experienced on that dirt path four months ago was a panic attack — a symptom of Post-Tramautic Stress Disorder.
Yes, dear friends. Me — the girl who has never been afraid of anything – is recovering from childhood trauma.
The Girl Who Wasn’t Afraid
PTS — me? Suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress?
It definitely didn’t make any sense at all.
Hello, God. This is me, you’re talking about. You know — the “Faith Barista” — the one who has always trusted and loved you?
Something else must be wrong, because with You, I’ve never been afraid of anything.
I’m the girl –
who grew up first generation American-Chinese and put herself through college.
who is an entrepreneur who has launched multiple ministries and loved every minute of it.
who enjoyed a successful high-tech career managing portfolios of product teams.
who loves inductive Bible studies as a hobby.
who loves people, snorts when she laughs and regularly enjoys coffee with pastries.
How can this girl have PTS?
As for childhood trauma. C’mon. We’re talking about stuff that occurred decades ago. Wouldn’t PTS have shown up earlier?
Why would writing about it surface trauma now?
Apparently, trauma can be frozen in time.
A person, an event, a stress, or a change — even a dream or a hope — can unravel that trauma. This is what happened to me, as I stepped into writing the belly of my book. You see, there was an incident. Actually more than one. People who have hurt me in my past recently attempted to place themselves back in my today.
And all the sadness that I’ve swallowed, the losses that I’ve dismissed and the memories I’ve turned into stories suddenly ignited my memories into live events up on that mountain.
Apparently, this girl does have trauma.
Deep inside, I am — it turns out — very much afraid.
A part of me — the wounded part of me — that stems from my childhood has surfaced.
Your Full Voice
My therapist, Dr. P, is a world expert in treating PTSD.
He tells me panic attacks typically strike the strong. CEOs, pastors, managers, stay-at-home moms, writers and everyone in-between. You don’t need to have fought in a war in Afghanistan or Iraq to suffer from PTSD and it’s not limited to physical or sexual abuse.
The impacts of emotional and verbal abuse are equal in damage and trauma.
PTSD often surfaces in people in their 30′s and 40′s — when major life changes are occurring. The stresses that we’ve hidden deep inside finally emerge when we can no longer bolt down what we fear most: our wounded selves.
Dr. P always makes me laugh because he calls all this disorienting, painful experience “good”. He says with a smile and compassionate gaze, “The Good Lord is healing you, Bonnie! Loving the hidden parts of you back to life.”
There are people in my family of origin who don’t want me to write the book. People who have hurt me in the past — and because they have done so, continue to hurt me today.
God knows I’ve prayed about everything, forgiven them and “buried them at the cross of Jesus”. What’s in the past belongs in the past, right? Forget what’s behind and strive toward Christ ahead. That’s been my motto.
That’s the thing. I believed my faith had buried my hurt – in the past.
I felt God had finally brought me to a place of healing – in my today — to write this book.
Because I had survived.
Because I was finally free.
I had my voice.
But, when I began my final stretch of putting voice to print, God chose to reveal to me –
Bonnie, it is time for you to heal.
I don’t just want you when you are strong.
I love you when you are broken.
And I don’t find it shameful that you are wounded.
You want to only speak in that voice that feels safe and good.
But, I want you to speak in your full voice, where I am your only safety.
Where I am Your only good.
I want you to speak — in your full voice.
Dr. P says that I need to write.
I am like the agoraphobic who avoids going to the grocery store because that’s where she last had her panic attack. Just like the man who won’t cross a street because that’s where he was last hit by a drunk driver.
Me. I’ve withdrawn from writing.
I’ve avoided writing because I’ve been waiting to get well. I’ve been waiting for my symptoms to go away, so I can come back and tell you how terrible it’s been and how I’m all better now.
I want to present my good and unwounded self to you.
But, Dr. P says that day will never come if I don’t write afraid.
You see, I’ve been waiting to get well before I write. But, it turns out I must write in order to get well.
It’s taken me more than a week to write this post. And I suffered a rash of anxiety attacks attempting to “cross the street” by writing these words.
I really don’t have a choice.
I must write.
Because I don’t want to be afraid anymore.
Because Jesus is calling me to speak in my full voice.
Because God is now calling me to put my faith in Him here.
Right now.
This way.
“Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice,
And be gracious to me and answer me.
When You said, ‘Seek My face,’ my heart said to You,
‘Your face, O Lord, I shall seek.’
Do not hide Your face from me…
Do not abandon me nor forsake me,
For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
But the Lord will take me up.”
~Psalm 27:7-10
~~~~~~
How is God calling you to speak in your full voice?
What is the “street” that you must cross?
It’s been a long while. How have you been?
Click and share a comment. I’d love to hear your voice, especially today.
~~~~~
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Trackbacks & Pingbacks
- Hey you, taking that brave step…
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Sheryl on What I Killed & What I Want To Write Instead
Vikki Sapp on What I Killed & What I Want To Write Instead
Vicky on What I Killed & What I Want To Write Instead
Debbie on What I Killed & What I Want To Write Instead
Katy on What I Killed & What I Want To Write Instead
love you, dear one and He is ever guiding you on the path even if it’s scary. i’m SO proud of you for writing afraid and for being willing to walk this path no matter what it looks like. He’s got you and it’s going to be worth it. you’re absolutely beautiful.
Katy´s last [type] ..Monday’s Musings
Such words of encouragement and love… I can only conclude it is wild grace from the One who loves us… *you* Katy, God’s delight, are b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l… You are living God’s story in you and have so much to share… XO
Oh Bonnie, it’s so good to hear your voice, the full, sweet timbre of all of you! You know what I think? I think all writers write afraid. I think fear just comes with the gig, whether you want it or not, whether the gig is large or small, I just think it’s a package deal. We make ourselves vulnerable when we write, so who wouldn’t be afraid?! I love your faith and obedience and honesty written in every word here! I’m so sorry there is such a thing as PTSD and that it is battling its way to the surface for you, but I know our Heavenly Father is a wild, untameable miracle worker, and He’s got this!! I’m so glad to have you back, and will pray for you as you sort through the fearful part!!
Shaunie Friday´s last [type] ..Riding Whitecaps
You’re voice is such full of cheer.. like a sweet cup of mocha, Shaunie! Thank you for being here welcoming me back…
Bonnie,
s i g h…don’t we all want this to be easy for you, for your healing to come in an instant, for you to NOT have to endure the process and the pain. As I read your beautiful words, a phrase the Lord gave me during Sara’s illness came to mind for you, though it’s very different because this is YOUR story to tell (and Sara’s was Sara’s): “You are worthy.” No doubt that others will find healing because of your discoveries and how you share them! You’ll give hope and encouragement because they haven’t yet found the one who can help them navigate their healing. God finds you worthy to share this Very Hard Story because you have the perfect words to give it voice! Now, I am not minimizing any of it–I ache for you–but I’m thankful that God can redeem these painful broken pieces into something beautiful; that he can redeem what is lost.
This part of your journey takes such courage and obedience; I’m celebrating each victory with you, praying wisdom and healing over you, delighting in your conformity to Christ and willingness to let us walk beside. You’re a beautiful, rare, exquisite reminder of God’s goodness. Much love xo.
Robin Dance ~ PENSIEVE´s last [type] ..A hilarious conversation with Tom Hanks on Germany and the Autobahn
Sweet Robin… oh yes, I had been praying oh-so-much for that healing to come in an instant… but, at some point, I had to finally surrender to the reality that this path God has for me is going to take time. Thank you for expressing encouragement so deeply for me, sister. Love to you XO
Aargh! Reading this post was like reading a horrifying thriller which caugh me completely by surprise. But bless you, Bonnie, I’ve always enjoyed your writing because you are so REAL – your blog has been one I have talked about very frequently and recommended that friends read it. Bless you as you write this trauma out of your life, bless you for your honesty – this will be such an amazing time of growth for you, a real challenge to the rest of us who just ‘get by’ without really really dealing with issues. This book will be a huge blessing to all who read it.
You are so beautiful Bonnie to be obedient and write this. Love you and will pray for you. I need prayer too for something if it can be similar yet very different. Thank you for your honesty and I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through.
Donnajnew´s last [type] ..Cherish
It’s great to see you here, Donna. Thank you for your prayers and I pray God will meet you where you as well, friend.
Oh, Angie. What a friend and encouraging sister in Christ you are! Bless you for your heart is kind and full of grace…
Praying for you as you write to heal from past traumas. You have been a great blessing to me.
Love in Christ!
Thank you, Celia. Much love in Christ, sister…
Praise for your bravery and compassion for your hurt. Believing as the words spill from your heart that a river of healing will take its place.
Thank you, Jenny!
Bonnie, I know how difficult and painful it can be to deal with anxiety and panic attacks, so know that you are not alone and that there are those who understand from the inside out. We are supporting you in prayer and thought. Even when it doesn’t feel as though it’s true, you’re doing great, you’re on God’s path, and He will not abandon you to walk it without Him. I can tell you that it does get better!!
Thank you so much for your encouragement, Catherine, speaking out of your experience.
I’ve wondered where you’ve been. I missed reading your blog. I’m so sorry that you are suffering panic attacks. It took a lot of courage to step out with God and write about your suffering. I, too, am suffering. God is working to heal my past with me so that I can be fully alive to Him and His will for me in the present. It is good to know we are not alone in our struggles.
Dear Angie, it is so comforting to know we are not alone. Let’s continue on this journey, friend – one day at at time with Jesus.
my only comment is this: why did you not ask your readers to pray for you?
why didnt you let us come alongside you in intercessory prayer? the pain of
this whole episode could have been mitigated by the power of this prayer.
you didnt have to give all the details just reaching out like you would to a
friend would have been enough.
Bless your heart!! I understand because I, too, am in counseling/therapy for PTSD. It stems from childhood wounds. Those issues were worked on. Then another huge trauma occurred in early adulthood, which brought back memories of more childhood abuse. The double-trauma of this caused PTSD to reoccur. Worked through it again. Much later in life, my mother committed suicide in 2006. She had been a very abusive person all through mine & my sister’s lives. Shortly thereafter my precious only sibling developed generalized anxiety disorder and stomach problems. She was not honest with her physicians, psychiatrist, about her difficulties and could not take the medications they offered, other than Xanax and Ambien. She took her own life in October. I am once again struggling with PTSD. I am working on this. I will overcome with God’s help. When I hear my sweet Christian therapist say there is a purpose, though, I just have to wonder what that could be at my age (60). I just feel like enough is enough. I applaud you for being obedient to the Lord to write NOW. Bless you, friend. You will overcome, with continued counsel and, of course, your walk with God. You obviously have many, many prayer partners standing with & for you.
Thank you Lynda for being here — and sharing your story with PTSD — and how you are continuing to walk through healing. I see the beautiful butterfly in you and I praise God for your courage to keep returning to Jesus, yesterday — and especially in today. Even though your mother and sister chose the path they did, you are not them. You and I are ultimately — truly — daughters of our Father in heaven. No matter what our physical age is. Thank you sister-in-Christ for your words of encouragement and for *you*.
Joseph,
Your questions really sound pretty tough and, really, as if Bonnie somehow did not do “it” the right way.
What Bonnie needs is support, unconditional love and understanding.
She surely wrote as soon as she was able to make herself do so. She has surely been covered in prayer by those closest to her in her family and personal circle of friends, including her therapist.
Sometimes healing is instant after prayer. Sometimes it is a process, whereby much growth takes place (kind of like when the butterfly is growing strong during the fight to come out of the cocoon).
Lynda´s last [type] ..Why I’ve Been Away & Why I Must Write Today
You know, Bonnie, I was just thinking yesterday how much I miss you around here. I love reading your heart. I’m so sorry that you are having to walk through all of this, but I know that God is working all the mess for your good and for our good who read your blog. Thank you for sharing with us. Thank you for facing panic attacks just to share with us your struggles. Your vulnerability has always challenged me to be more vulnerable. Lifting you up to the Father today. Love you, friend! Hugs from miles away!
Jennifer´s last [type] ..Limbo
You know, Jennifer. I was hoping to hear your sweet voice and see your pretty face light up here as I brush off the cobwebs here at the bar here at Faith Barista.
If anything of being together has encouraged your walk — well, it’s just because you have encouraged me. XO
I have been wondering about you and am glad to “hear” your voice again. I was not alarmed by the time between posts knowing you were working on a book and as a mother of two little ones there are a number of possibilities that could require your immediate attention. : ) Thank you for sharing what you are experiencing with PTSD, even though I realize it is very challenging to “cross that street”, I know God will walk with you to the other side. Take one step at a time, take care, and God Bless your journey.
Hi Bobbi, thanks for taking time to drop a note… it’s so encouraging to hear your thoughts, to know we share a common love for God and for each other on this journey of faith.
Oh, how I have missed you, Bonnie! Thank you….for writing, for trusting His leading, for stepping out into thin air. You are loved.
Echoing Julie…thankful that you are stepping out into thin air….thankful that He will lift you up as you do! Healing is His heart towards each of us, making us whole and wholly His. This is such an important part of the process, your precious agreement with Him: ” Yess, I want to be healed!”. As always, grateful for you and awaiting that book to be birthed!
Thank you, Tara!
Oh Julie, it’s so good to have you here… now… with me stepping out this way.
It’s so awfully healing to feel missed… by faith friends. Looking forward to catching up through our words/writing. 
Thank you for sharing. As someone who has struggled with fear in the past, it can be paralyzing. I love what Ann Voskamp says about fear, “Fear is nothing to be afraid of — it’s just the door we push through to get to the other side.” Praising God that you are getting to the other side of your fear.
Amen!
Thank you Robin for opening up and sharing from your heart.
That was eye opening. I think a lot of us women don’t open up enough and let others see how vulnerable we can be. We don’t want to admit we do have things in our past that we want to hide even from ourselves only for it to come out when we least expect it. Thank you for being so open with us, your readers.
I will be praying for you today and every day.
Janet
Hi Janet, It is hard as women to open up to things that are hurtful. Vulnerability really does mean becoming exposed. Thank you for softening my vulnerability with your prayers and encouragement.
Such grace! (And for others reading through, just want you to know: As for trauma that happens in childhood, Dr. P says children cannot face them fully. God has made it so that trauma in childhood is shielded from them, so that they can survive. And when we become adults, at a point we can face them, they surface.)
Oh Bonnie! I’ve been praying for you; missed your presence here. I figured you were “just” swamped with the writing of the book, and prayed for your progress.
I’m sorry that you’ve had a season of suffering, but oh so glad He is bringing you through it victoriously!
From another PTSD person…
Love you,
Me
Sweet Marina, thanks for being open and sharing this connection.
Bonnie, first KNOW that I will be praying for you. Since I found your blog you have been a such blessing to me, your words have been “words cannot express” blessing to me. Yes, I’ve missed you, wondered why I hadn’t seen you pop up in my inbox, but I know from personal experience what it means to go through things and get busy and have to put some things down for a while. So I was waiting. Thank you for sharing this and for in the words of Joyce Meyer, “just doing it afraid”. Everything is going to be alright, God is working this all out for your good. Much love, peace and blessings in everything to you and your family this day and always. You are healed, in Jesus name.
Mary, I’m so happy to you’re here and for writing from your heart. You are a blessing… may God bless you, friend!
Bonnie-
I am praying for you as you go on your journey. The one miraculous thing in all of our struggles is that Jesus never leaves our side. Even when the journey seems like more than we can handle.
Thank you for sharing your words. They are so intimate and personal and real.
Melissa
Melissa, thank your voice here in this vulnerable place that I am in. You are a blessing!
i have the same thing this morning i had a nightmare, something in my past that haunted me and I believe i am being shown that trauma in my past is now effecting my present i pushed it under the rug, i figured i was strong i can handle it then i realized i cant and i get this email today. God is faithful, i didnt know but HE is trying to get to the ROOT of my issue and it is taking time but i TRUST Him more than i did before. I trust HIm. i hope you TRUST Him too when you dont understand. God could be using you for someone else.
Dear friend, I’m so glad you wrote and shared from right where you are. Nightmares are one of the ways our bodies and hearts are letting us know it’s time to listen. You are strong, friend, for the trauma you’ve endured. And there comes a time, where God is saying, “Dear sweet one… it’s time for you to let down your load… Let me love you… Let me love you…” Blessings to you..
God bless you for bringing what has been dark into the healing light of Jesus, and thank you for sharing this difficult journey. With His love, Teasie
Dear Teasie, thank you so much for being here.
I feel like I’m sitting across a table, coffee in hand, listening to a friend pour out her heart. And all I want to do is reach across the distance, envelop you in a hug, and pray for God’s continued healing. I’ve been in those shoes – the panic attacks, the anxiety over what has been and what could be and how to move forward from here, from the pain of these hidden places. Often, after my counseling appointments, my counselor would warn me that I might feel worse the next day, that the depression that had already robbed me of much joy might overwhelm me after digging up so much of the past that hurts and that I’ve spent years covering up and pretending all was well. But there really is freedom in exposing the past, handing it over, piece by broken piece, to the only One who can heal the wounds and bind up the broken hearted. Thank you for sharing this deep place of your heart – it is posts like this that remind me I’m not alone and that He even in our brokenness He is still there.
Very sweet Stephanie… I am right there with you and Bonnie, slogging through the slimey pit of memories.
Hugs for the survivors! Inez
Oh, Stephanie. You are sitting across from me … at this table we share called God’s healing … yes, the pain of those hidden places is what I’m experiencing and needing to face. And yes, having to hand those pieces one at a time and really look at them… without turning away is oh-so-counter-intuitive… and oh-so-cannot be done alone. Thank you for sharing from your heart! I’m pouring you a refill of your coffee right now (and asking if you’d like a splash of hazelnut cream as well?)
Bonnie!!! It’s so nice to ‘see’ you!!
I was just praying for you recently wondering …where’s my/our Bonnie?
You have been missed friend. Wow! Thank you for opening up your life to us today regarding your journey of recent months.
Boy do we need to talk! You are not alone…we are in similar boats…I can relate. Receive a big hug from all of us who have missed your beautiful words.
Betsy Stretar´s last [type] ..The Mother Within
Betsy!!! *squeal* so happy you’re here.. and it does feel warm and fuzzy to be missed. thnx for making my return a little easier. *hugs right back!*
Bonnie, I am so blessed by your story today. The vulnerability and just the being real is such a healer. May God bless you with the words He knows you need to find freedom from your chains!
Katie@simplyhis´s last [type] ..Come Away with Me
Thank you so much, Katie – for your words & being here!
Bonnie, you’re so brave! I’ve missed you very much and had actually just posted on your FB page telling you I was thinking of you, hoping you would somehow get the post; like the rest, I thought you were busy with your writing. I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through but glad that God uses us despite of everything. Once again, I’ve been so touched by your openness to share. I will definitely be keeping you in prayer. May God continue to be close to you and lift you up.
Much love and hugs from across the globe,
Eunice
Sweet Eunice… who says we can’t have sisters around the globe?
We can and I do… sweet sister in Christ. I’m thinking of you and so thankful for who you are. Love you much!
Oh my darling Bonnie how I wish I could cross the miles and hold you tight in a hug PTSD is so very frightening so very scary an you my honey are so very brave. Whatever the trauma you have faced it will not break you, because God is by your side holding you even when you are falling. I know this so well honey, so many times I have been afraid am still afraid but I know the truth as you do. God never leaves us, write the words of your heart and as always we will listen and walk along side of you.
Sara´s last [type] ..Competition time – Mirror Mirror
Yes, Sara. Jesus is holding all of us together… Thank you for sharing from your heart!
Oh, my friend! First, I hope you’ve forwarded this post to your doctor to show him you’re following through and doing the things he’s asked you to do to get healthy.
And then, thanks be to God for your words and the strength he gave you to write each and every one. I’m sitting here wondering who he has in mind to deliver them to. Who is it who needs to read your brave story to begin to embrace the healing Christ has for her?
I’ve missed your words and, knowing now what you’ve been through to offer them again, I am so truly grateful. Thank you, Bonnie.
Nancy Franson´s last [type] ..On Pilgrimage: The Way of the Pilgrim
Oh, I have to be honest, dear friend… I wasn’t sure how I would feel after this post went out… so, I waited to see if I was going to be run over by stepping out to cross the “street” during rush hour!
And yes, I later did send it to him. LOL. I will see him tomorrow, so let’s see what he says! Thank you Nancy for being just so a.w.e.s.o.m.e!
thank you for your transparency. it takes courage. courage is strength. you are faithful to the lord. i pray god protect your heart soul and mind as you go through this process of healing and gainig wisdom with the lord. you are very brave to do this publically. keep your eyes on him so the confusion of others doesn’t misdirect your steps. you are faithful Bonnie. i am so encouraged. thank you for being a brave sister.
Hi Janet, it’s so nice to hear your voice and receive the encouragement of connecting with you. Thank you for your prayers!
I love you, Bonnie. You are not alone. Take your time, one step at a time.
Just breathe.
The analogy of giving birth suits this purpose as well. When we are breathless,
Exhausted, fearing the pain… How much longer s this going to take?! Do I have the
Strength to do this?! What was I thinking?! I don’t want to do this anymore.
I just wanna go home. Back to normal. Everything as it was before this whole thing started.
-THAT’S when the breakthrough comes. And the child is born, and the tears of exhaustion
Turn to joy.
You are never alone. That doesn’t make it easy.
You Are A Very Brave Woman.
I just want to hug you and tell you everything is going to be ok!
It will be worth it.
Thank you Tina for being here and giving encouragement from your heart!
I’m a fumbler with words,… I ramble and say too much. May I please just say this,
thank you
for writing!
Oh, Tina friend! You are poetic, you know that? Yes, I hear a poet in your words! May I please just say this, thank *you* for writing.
I was weeping before I finished this blog and read the remainder through my tears. I’ve been there too, Bonnie. God brought me through it, but it took time. I no longer have the anxiety attacks, but I remember the time I had to battle them. The fearful, gasping prayers in the dark…the extreme fear encapusulating me. It was a hard illness to conquer, but God never left me. He bathed me in His love and peace. I carry that peace and assurance that He is strong and always there to carry me when I cannot go alone. Thank you for sharing your struggle. May the peace of God envelop you and bring you through. I’ll be praying you through also. God bless.
Oh, Dee. The precious tears that are shared among sister in Christ! Thank you for telling me that you’ve been through it too. You know…
Thank you so much for your prayers and your words…
Amen, sister.
Nodding my way through your post, crying silent tears in part, the lump at the back of my throat.
Bonnie, we don’t have to be strong, because the Lord’s strength is within us, we don’t have to be …… because the Lord gives us what we need when we need it.
The Lord may push us forward to ministry. to healing, to whatever but He is right there beside us, ALL THE WAY.
He sits with us, allowing us to nestle against his chest, whilst we gather our strength, intermingled with His strength, to stand up, to climb up, to stand firm in our faith by His grace.
Suzie Gallagher (@pootlesuzie)´s last [type] ..{step}family
Dear Susie… thank you for writing and nodding all the way through here with me. yes, the lump in the back of my throat… how I wish it would go away… but Jesus is saying for now it is necessary… what a poet you are . His grace flows from your words.
thank you for writing this, and exposing your innermost parts. i applaud your courage, your obedience, and your candidness. you are an inspiration, and a true example of Christ’s grace.
♥ betsy
Betsy´s last [type] ..restless
Thank you Betsy for writing here with me too. So grateful in this moment… May God continue to encourage others through you.
It’s so good to hear from you Bonnie! I have missed your writing and am glad to hear you are back. I am not exactly sure what to write in response to your blog because it strikes a close chord with me as well. Childhood trauma that comes back to haunt when one least expects it. I’m grateful that you are healing through your writing. I have had childhood trauma and ptsd is so real! thanks for touching our lives through your written word that comes from your heart.
Karen
Oh, Karen. There is a sisterhood in Christ that goes beyond words.. you’ve expressed your heart so openly. *thank you* {hugs, hugs, hugs!}
Dearest Bonnie, May God heal you completely and give you His peace that truly passes all understanding. May your husband and boys also experience total healing. We are so sorry you have gone through such a valley of despair. Remember that the God of the valley is also the God of the mountains and it looks like you are now going uphill..praise God! Please know many people love you and are praying for you and your family. God bless you on your journey.
Dear Frances, thank you for taking time to write and being a friend here with your prayers and encouragement. *thank you*
At age 14 I lost my father to a violent, senseless death. He was my mentor, and I became angry at God. It took me many years to become the christian I had been as a young girl. God has blessed me in many ways. I keep a journal called “Thank you Lord” just for writing down thank you’s for the prayers the Lord has answered for me. Thank you Faith for sharing your trauma with me, please know you will be in my prayers always. Jan Oliver
Wow, Jan. That is so beautiful. Thank you for telling me this and blessing us with your walk through your trauma. Thank you for your prayers.
Bonnie, thru your Thursday Faith Jams, you have inspired me to challenge myself to put away my fears of what others may think of my faith and to write what I am led by God to write about.
You did that. That is your gift from God. Your words inspire, help and guide us.
Thank you.
May you find comfort in the arms of Jesus, knowing of all the prayers that are being sent to you and your family.
<3 Dorothy
Dorothy´s last [type] ..Homemade Berry Liqueur
Dear Dorothy, I’ve loved having you a part of that special space where God speaks to me most.. that place where we write — in our Thursday Faith Jams. It’s very special that connection — and I’m thankful to have it here as sisters in Christ. Thank you for your prayers, friend.
Sweet dear friend. Know I have been praying for you much these last months. You have been missed and I have prayed for you not knowing what was going on. I so understand. I know pain, not your particular, but I do know pain of my own abuse. I know trauma of childhood that haunts a person and creeps in when you least expect it.
My heart aches for you and cries with you and your pain. “Pain is your/our friend.” Dr. Larry Crabb, Soul Talk. I have struggled since I first heard that statement last fall. Yet the more I have struggled with it, the more I realize the truth behind it. Facing pain for the first time in my life letting myself feel the pain as it happened to me this last spring into summer — being fired, accused of hurting a child, and knowing I did not do what I am accused of. Walking that path with God and my community of soul friends has lead me to know God more intimately and heal even deeper wounds than the current ones I am facing.
One step. One minute. One moment. At a time.
Love you dear friend.
Katie´s last [type] ..Heart Friends
Dear Katie, I know you have been praying for me as you have come across my thoughts as well. I know you have gone through so many hard things, in such a compacted period of time… and knowing your heart… I pray that He continue to take care of you.. as He is taking care of me. Love you!
Thank you for writing today. You are reaching me in my brokeness. I pray you will be totally healed.
Dear Brenda, thank you for sharing your voice here with me today. Praying for you, friend… remembering you right now.
Don’t ask me who said this quote because I don’t know…. I want to say Larry Crabb because I learned this quote doing the class on Soul Care his book. But I don’t know for sure. But I just thought of this after hitting enter above. It has gotten me through much this last year. God used it in my life to focus on HIM.
“My sister, Diane, told me that the quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run wet, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise. I discovered in that moment that i had the power to choose the direction my life would head, even if the only choice open to me, at least initially, was either to run from the loss or to face it as best as I could. Since I knew that darkness was inevitable and unavoidable, I decided from that point on to walk into the darkness rather than to try to out run it, to let my experience of loss take me on a journey wherever it would lead, and to allow myself to be transformed by my suffering rather than to think I could somehow avoid it. I choose to turn toward the pain, however falteringly, and yield to the loss, though I had no idea at the time what it would mean.”
Katie´s last [type] ..Heart Friends
Katie,
THANK YOU for sharing what you’re learning in the midst of pain. You’re an inspiration!
You are welcome.
Katie´s last [type] ..Heart Friends
Thanking God for you, Mary. Right now.
Thank you for sharing this, Katie!
Telling your brave story here, this is how God used it to help me: Part of the story I’m writing in a book has to do with people who hurt me too. They recently resurfaced in my life after fourteen years of silence and they don’t want me to share what I was planning to write. The fear threatens to immoblize me all the time but I’m pushing past it, to laugh in the face of the enemy. Your story, it just gave me courage and the reason why we need to share our stories. They encourage healing in others. Thank you for being honest, because we need to pray for you. You can’t carry this alone.
Shelly Miller´s last [type] ..Losing Track of Time to Find Yourself
Oh, Shelly. Yep. Uh-huh. Yes, this road we are on is definitely something we can’t carry alone. As I am discovering quite up close and personal.
Thank you for sharing your story with where you are right now. May God continue to be your guide and your Shepherd in this path of putting to pen the words on your heart.
Praying for you Bonnie.
Thank you, Tracey!
I am so sorry that you are going through all this, Bonnie! I have been wondering why we haven’t heard from you, and thought there must be something going on, and prayed for you. Your post brings tears to my eyes. You are going through something REALLY HARD. They are tears of compassion, but I am also wondering if they are tears of identification. Actually, I know they are. I am so glad that the problem has been accurately identified. That’s half the battle! You are so blessed to have such a wise and compassionate doctor. I am confident that with God, of course with God, you will be able to write through this and heal. And I will be praying for you. You are such a precious woman. You have touched so many hearts, and you will continue to do so. God will be using this for good, not only for you, but for all the women with whom you are choosing to share.
Hi Cheri! So good to hear your voice, friend! And yes, it was pretty hard getting to the point where the problem was identified. And I’m thankful that God did lead me to that point. And now, here I am.. and here you are. I’m smiling, as we are sisters-in-Christ. Wherever God is leading you, know my thoughts are with you too.
Welcome back!! We’ll walk the mountainside path with you.
We all wear masks of some sort. Maybe God is using your writing to help us remove our masks and offer us hope and healing.
Blessings as you journey forward.
Oh, Linda. To think that there is encouragement God is speaking to others through this path I’m walking… you are bringing a smile to this heart. *thank you* for walking this mountainside path with me.
Welcome back!
I too, have PTSD. I’m praying for you. Thanking God it has a name & we are able to work towards healing.
Love yourself & trust in Him!
Hi Donna! Thanks for stepping out to stand next to me here, sister. Yes, I am indeed thanking God it has a name! whew!
*hugs* to you as we step forward.
Welcome back, Bonnie!
Thank you for sharing what has been happening in your life. I was very touched by it. Our Bible study group is learning about the topic of fears and how to face them. I’d like to share your blog this week. You beautifully capture the essence of what we’re learning: no matter what we face in life, we don’t go through it alone. God is there walking beside us. His goal is for our complete healing and restoration which comes in our complete surrender to Him and His will.
Sending thoughts and prayers and hugs your way. God bless you.
Thank you for the warm welcome, Mary! Your thoughts & prayers — so sweet, your heart! What a wonderful Bible study group… and yes, what a very intimate topic to cover… what a blessing!
Welcome back. You and your voice were missed. sending my prayers your way.
Jean Wise´s last [type] ..Three “Timely” Tips for Savoring Summer Spirituality
Thank you, Jean!
Praying for you…
Kristen… sweet friend… *thank you*
Oh, Bonnie. I have missed your words these past few months and thought of you often. To hear what has been keeping you from writing nearly breaks my heart. You are in my prayers and thoughts.
Kristine´s last [type] ..The Rose, the Lily, the Violet and the Daisy
Kristine, what a warm heart you are. Thank you for taking time to be here with me.
Now that’s courage, Bonnie: writing with your full voice. God will bless the work of your hands and heart as you respond to Him in faith. I support you.
Diane Yuhas´s last [type] ..Comment on Jam It, Jerk It, Slam It, Ram It by Diane Yuhas
*thank you* Diane. Your heart is open and I’m so thankful you’re here with me.
“You want to only speak in that voice that feels safe and good”
Thank you Bonnie! Those words give me courage. The understanding gained from your blog today gives me such encouragement. Last night the battle was so strong and I cried out for help. The Lord knew I needed the hope and strength of these words today. Thank you for letting Him use your healing to strengthen me.
Dear Angella, I’m so touched to have you here… and to hear your heart at this moment. Jesus, draw close to Angella and let her feel your nearness…
Bonnie, you are so loved! We support you, pray for you and will walk through this with you every step of the way to full freedom. You are beautiful and brave. So proud of you for writing this!
Thank you Holley for walking through this with me, as friend and sister. I’m thankful we can kick our feet in the water and splash with laughter in times of joy… and on days that are hard, cry and see our tears drop down into the hush of creek trickling water… XO