Say My Name: My Letter To God
Many times when I’m overwhelmed, it’s hard to know what to say to God or how to even begin.
I tend to spend a lot of time thinking about things and sometimes, when I can’t think things through, I get quiet inside. Knotted up, I push through my day and just get things done.
These are the times I reach for a notebook — or even a piece of paper. If I’m in my car, waiting to pick up TJ or CJ from school, I might even grab that week’s church bulletin that I stuffed in the side of the car door . And I’d start scrawling.
Something happens when I write a letter to God. I start, “Dear God…” Before I know it, I’m writing him a letter and I can’t stop the words from flowing.
Sometimes, the letter is very short. It’s more like a note.
Sometimes, it’s long winded. I have to stop, fold my paper into my purse and walk to the classroom to greet my son with a big hug. Later that night, when the two kiddos are tucked into their beds, I take a long hot shower to wash away the day. My feet, bare and cool against the floor, make their way back downstairs, to retrieve my prayer-in-progress. I pick up my pen and continue the conversation on paper, beginning where I last paused mid-sentence.
Last week, I shared a letter I wrote to my younger self.
This week, I’m writing a letter to God. I’m writing it to Jesus, sitting down tonight this Wednesday evening — after a rough weekend of anxiety flareups, as I attempted to return to writing my manuscript.
I don’t know if I can do this. Speaking in my new voice — my full voice. I don’t want to talk about things that I’ve kept quiet about. What if no one thinks it’s any good? What if people buy this book and after a reading few chapters, shut it with indignation. They might want their money back.
I would be rejected. And I don’t think I’d be able to handle that.
I feel conflicted between what I want to do — and what would happen if I did do it.
How can I dare to let the whispers of my soul speak fully in the open, when I’m just coming to terms with it myself?
I’m scared I’m neither here. Nor there.
I can’t go back to the way I was, but I’m uncertain if who I’m becoming is good enough.
But, now you’re asking me to trust you, to step out in the world this way.
You are asking me to walk out into the big, wide world – broken — for all to see.
How can I do this, when it’s easier to make safety my home?
My answer — though faint but steady, deep from within my spirit where it aches — is this:
My hunger to walk out in faith tomorrow — with you – is greater than my need for safety today.
I need to hear your voice louder than any other, Jesus.
I need to hear you say my name.
Say my name.
Over and over again.
When I hear you calling me, my soul is calmed and my tears have a place to run to.
When I hear your voice speaking my name, I know that you know.
I feel your strong arms around me and I remember who I really am. Yours.
Turn to me and fix your gaze upon me, so I can really look into your eyes.
Say my name, Jesus. Then I can tell you my pain.
Say my name. Then, I can dare to dream again.
Say my name. So, I can only hear your voice — and no one else’s.
Say my name. So I can follow you ahead.
Tell me that there is no other — to hurt me or shame me.
Be here. With me.
Yours and yours only,
“My sheep recognize my voice;
I know them, and they follow me…
I give them eternal life, and they will never perish.
No one will snatch them away from me,
for my Father has given them to me,
and he is more powerful than anyone else.
So no one can take them from me.”
~ Jesus, John 10:27-29
Is Jesus calling you to step out and follow Him a new way too?
If you were to write a letter to God, what would you ask of him — what would you say?
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*Today’s 8/23/12 Writing Prompt: “Write a letter to God”
*Next Thursday’s 8/30/12 Writing Prompt: “God will make a way.”
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