You and I.
It’s been 8 weeks ago, since I first came to you with the news.
Why I’d been away and why I had to write that day.
PTS – Post Traumatic Stress. From childhood trauma.
Memories as I wrote into the belly of my book came alive.
It happened on a mountain as I just finished drafting a chapter in the middle of my manuscript.
I stepped out the door onto a dirt path — and it was there I met my falling — to the ground, choking, heart pounding in terror.
Panic attacked.
My body awoke my soul that day.
It was time for me to remember.
It was time for me to stop forgetting.
It was time for me to feel the pain.
All those years I lived in survival, God is having me unlearn the ways I’d develop to be strong. To shield myself from any further hurt or betrayal.
God put me on a journey that day — to take out the pieces that have been broken inside me — so that I would never hide them again.
My writing was wrestled away from me. I couldn’t hardly breathe and went from one disorienting insomnia drenched day to the other, my body flushed in hot flashes, as it relived flashbacks of emotional trauma.
I finally reached a point in my healing where I could not go any further.
Unless I wrote afraid.
Like the agoraphobic who struggled to even open the door, much less point her feet forward to touch the doorway, I lunged clumsy and terrified onto my blog, to write to you that day.
I told you that you changed my story forever the week after.
You didn’t turn away as I knew for certain in my heart you’d do.
Instead, you covered me with your compassion as I stood bare with my emotions before you.
You wrote to me as I stood in the darkness of uncertainty. And you told me you understood what it’s like to touch that place of empty, mingled with a desperation for hope and acceptance.
You heard me, as I spoke so hesitantly in my full voice.
And now, I’m standing here this week.
It’s time for me to walk out further from the safety of my home here with you — this blog.
It’s time for me to open the door, to take my steps past the mailbox, out past the curb of this blog.
It’s time for me to sit at my desk, open up a blank screen and start typing words that will hopefully lead to sentences — that will hopefully then lead to paragraphs — to chapters — and then a book.
It’s a good thing, what you’ve done for me.
You’ve allowed me to speak this far — here on the blog — in my full voice.
Starting this week, I will uncover my soul and ask it ever so gently to start speaking in that full voice, so that I can write a book for Jesus.
Because of you, I have a chance at seeing how far I will be able to write afraid — in my full voice.
This journey is unpredictable.
I don’t have expectations of needing to finish it.
I just want to try.
Because I want to be free.
Because I don’t want to be afraid any longer.
I will write afraid.
As long as Jesus stays with me.
I’ll keep asking Him to speak my name.
And I’ll rest my heart each time I hear Him calling.
I tell you all this, to say, thank you.
And please pray for me.
Don’t expect me to finish it, friends. Because I couldn’t bear it if I had to carry the burden of not disappointing you.
Because I don’t know if it’s God’s purpose for me to complete the manuscript by the new deadline reset so graciously by the publisher.
My goal isn’t a finish line or a stack of papers in print.
My goal is being faithful to follow Jesus. Even in this way, to write broken. I’m not so sure if it can be done.
Why?
This question enters my mind often — whenever I struggle to write, when once it had been so easy. Whenever I start feeling my chest tighten and my throat grows thick with tension, as I work through each blog post.
Whenever I’ve pushed myself too far, by doing too much in a day or had a stressful conversation in a pressured social situation.
When I had to cancel speaking at Allume Conference this year.
When I’m lying sleepless and anxious, even though I feel like I can’t take any more of this “healing”.
I ask why.
I’ve learned that Jesus has chosen not to answer these questions, but I’ve gained something much deeper and more soul healing. Among the tears that don’t seem to have an end, Jesus has cried even more with me. He’s held me tighter than I have ever experienced. I know all these why questions tear at His heart each time I ask Him. Because He wishes I never had to speak them.
Jesus understands my pain and He keeps encircling me back to this place at the keyboard.
His arms rests on my shoulder and He whispers, “Just be with me. Right now. This way.”
And so, I want to tell you — in this long-winded way — I will be offline from hosting our Faith Jam Thursdays for awhile. To try and take this journey of speaking in my full voice one step further — to see if I can finish writing the book-that-would-not-go-away.
It goes without saying, pray for me, as the Spirit brings me to mind.
Pray for courage. To keep following however the path turns.
And give thanks with me, as I do each day, that God has brought us closer to Him and each other through this journey already.
Thank you for being here with me. I’ll be posting, as I can. I’ll be thinking of you and each time I do, I’ll be remembering you with prayer, smiling and thanking Jesus for you and the stories you’re living in Him.
So, I’m just putting my “Will Return” sign here at the Faith Barista Cafe. I’m stepping out for a bit. But I’ll be back.
In His love,
Bonnie
“You are a letter of Christ
written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God,
not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.”
2 Cor3:3
~~~~~~
How is God speaking to you in your whitespace? (Whitespace — it’s what I call alone time with Jesus.)
It’s the prompt I’m serving up for today’s Faith Jam conversation.
Will you share among friends here today? Click here to comment. You know I’m smiling from ear to ear, listening.
~~~~~
*** NOW, IT’S YOUR TURN — LINK UP IN THE FAITH JAM
HTML Code for the badge:
Faith Barista Jam Thursdays
I serve up a topic of faith, you write a post and link up (or simply comment).
Please place the Faith Jam Badge in your post. It’s a welcome sign for our community. Grab the HTML Code above. Thanks!
It’s a jam session. Visit the post before yours, drop a comment & make a faith friend. We blog together to encourage each other.
TO LINK UP: Click the blue button below: “Add Your Link” (Subscribers: click here to get there directly).
*Today’s 9/13/12 Writing Prompt: “Spiritual Whitespace”. Take time out to be alone with God and write about it. “whitespace” (Click to read more about what this is.)
*Next Topic* TBD. I’m taking a break to focus all energy on writing my book.
Approach it any way you feel inspired! Only required ingredient: keep it real. Click here to learn more.
** Don’t miss! ** If you are new to Faith Barista, I’d like welcome you here.Click to subscribe by email and get each post in this series served up hot and fresh directly in your mailbox.
70 Comments
Praying you through, friend. You have my word.
I’ve been overwhelmed with the thought that the *Just Doing* part is what He wants most. The fully surrendering and choosing to be obedient to His prompting of you…that’s worship. It’s not the finishing part…it’s the next step part.
I can’t wait to someday give you a hug and sit and smile with you awhile. I really mean that with all my heart.
Rich blessings as He leads you take that next step, and the next one, and the one after that.
Thank you, Amy… Grateful for all He is through you.
Good on you for stepping out in spite of being afraid – that shows courage! It shows that God is moving because you can’t do it alone.
I’ll remember to keep you in my prayers! At times I remind myself of a line in a song ‘it’s just the dark before the morning’. There are times when it seems too hard – the hardest – and that could be because the devil’s fighting so hard when you’re at the point of break through.
Hang in there – cling to God!
“It shows that God is moving because you can’t do it alone.” That beautifully resonates. Thank you so much Christine!
Bonnie, thank you for sharing your heart. You have no idea how God has already used your story to bring healing to others – me included. Beauty from ashes….
Thank you, Sheila. It’s so special to share a connection on this journey. Beauty from ashes… amen.
I know that you want to finish this book, the project, but you are accomplishing God’s prompt today, each day, as you move forward. You are ‘being’ you, who He created you to be, and that is “good.” And He is smiling.
And that is good for us as well! Thank you. It helps us listeners to be real and in the faith defining challenges as well. My road is different but parallel; full of betrayal, loss, and depression. And years of anxiety and panic. Contempt and betrayal from fellow ‘Christians’ is one of the hardest issues to process.
I’m stepping out in faith. . . what seems way over the cliff. . . to a completely changed life course, no obvious safety nets left. But underneath are the everlasting, ever-loving arms. And that is a good place to be.
God bless you as you write; I pray He gives you gracious gifts along the way.
Celeste
God bless you, Celeste, as you step out in faith… Following His prompt each day… May God give us the grace.
Solomon had the stones for the temple hewn and sawed to perfection out in the quarry. And when they were moved into position at the temple site, they fit together perfectly (see 1 Kgs 6). Peter tells us we are living stones; that we will form a spiritual temple with Christ as the cornerstone (see 1 Peter 2:4-6). Until that time comes, we are still in the quarry where God is continuing His work on us and in us. I’m in a season where God is reminding me what success is – obeying Him. Period. It’s not about number of LIKES on Facebook, number of retweets on Twitter, number of comments on your blog, number of people who came to hear you talk, or number of people who bought your book. It’s just about being in close communion with Him, listening to Him, and obeying Him. And then leave the rest in His hands. Bonnie, if we still have a pulse, we’re still a living stone in the quarry, and the best is yet to come. Praying with you.
So powerful. ” if we still have a pulse, we’re still a living stone in the quarry…”
“I will write afraid.
As long as Jesus stays with me.”
That’s the thing we can count on for sure…Jesus will stay with us, with you, with me.
We all write broken, some of us are just more aware than others. You have been brought into greater awareness. And it hurts. For now. He’s pouring on healing though, even though that hurts too. For now.
You have great courage, my friend. Keep remembering He is with you, and that it doesn’t matter what you do; it matters Who you’re with.
Love you!
“Awareness…it hurts…healing…it hurts.. For now.” Yes, it does… Thank you for speaking into where it hurts & for being present with me, Lisa. *tears* With love…
It’s all about you and the Lord as you walk through this together. Being obedient, drawing close, allowing His healing to permeate every memory. Don’t worry about us. We’ll still be here. Praying for you my friend.
Thank you, Kristine, for all the ways your reflect Him to me.
You are so precious. So precious to God. he delights in you so much. Even in your brokenness & your weaknesses He is so strong in and through you. Do you have any idea how much? I think you do. 1 Peter 3:8 for you this morning. This is what we are called to do as children of our loving heavenly father. Anything less than that is counterfeit. So sorry that you were hurt and bruised by even other believers but then again we are imperfect..only one we can truly trust never ever to leave us nor forsake us and never ever let us down nor hurt us. He is with us in the pain and that’s the difference between us and unbelievers. We go through lots of the same thing but we have hope, hope as an anchor to our souls, hope for beyond this place of pain and suffering that God will bring us through it but also that there is purpose behind it, His hand behind it all, creating something beautiful out of all this suffering. You and I can’t see what it will look like yet…but oh boy we will. and for now we just trust Him, trust Him in the process. He has you baby. He has us in His hands and nothing can ever snatch us out or separate us from His love and even till we are old & gray (which I am already gray) he will take care of us and protect us. In Christ love and in my prayers. God bless you more and more each day in this journey of faith you are taking. Adaykis
“we have hope, hope as an anchor to our souls” Truth we can hang onto. your heart is young for Christ, friend!
Dear Bonnie,
I’ve been studying the Book of Revelation the past few months. The Lord has given me a new perspective through His Word. A perspective of hope; no matter what happens in this world. He has promised us (those whose names are written in the Lamb’s Book of Life) a future and a hope. After reading and praying this morning, the song “I will Rise” was on my heart and in my head. I immediately went to YouTube and found this video. I watched it in full screen and my heart soared. Here’s the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bms0ZiM_KG0
If you have time, it will bless you.
I’m praying for you Bonnie. If the Lord wants you to finish and publish the book He placed on your heart; it will happen. Trust Him. Your friends, including me, will be waiting and praying.
Blessings and love,
Debbie
Dear Debbie, You & I have walked so much of our faith journeys.. in our own ways since met thru blogging. And here we are now. Thank you for the prayers & video, friend. I waited until the kids are tucked & the night has come. Beautiful. Soothing to my soul.
Dear, dear friend, your life and honest sharing have been such a blessing and I’ve learnt so much from you. I will be praying for you as you carry on this journey. I will miss your writings here but look forward to reading your book when it’s all done in God’s time. Love you much,
Eunice
Dear, dear Eunice, I wish I were right there in Singapore… so I can ask you if you like Pearl Milk Tea & where would be the best place to grab one. Then, we’d chat & I’d give you a big hug!
I am certain that the Jesus in you can do this. Praying for you today Bonnie.
Shelly, how you reach out with words of encouragement, from a heart for Him. Thank you!
Bonnie, my heart goes out to you, and I am so proud of you for soldiering on in spite of the pain. I’m proud that you have chosen faith over fear. If it’s not in His plans to change the circumstances, then He certainly changes our hearts to help us adjust. Blessings, E
Thank you for your beautiful heart, Elizabeth — blessings, friend!
Bonnie, I wish I could be there to put my arms around you and hold you to let you know you are dearly loved and accepted just as you are. Everyone who reads your blog loves you. There’s a great big group hug going out toward you, wrapping you in a protective blanket of love, to shield you from any more hurts. And this is what you had to see…how loved you really are. Love heals.
So beautiful, Christine. Just speechless. Speechless. *thank you*
Thank you for your open honesty, Bonnie. I have been & will continue praying for you as you come to my mind. I have recently had to “pull back” from ministry for ‘healing’ purposes, so I appreciate so much what you share.
May God continue to heal you, strengthen you & guide you one step at a time.
Dear Florence, we are sisters on the same journey of healing… reaching out with hugs to you, friend. May God guide us in His care… Thank you.
Bonnie,
Remember, you are fearfully & wonderfully made. God delights in you & has your name written in the palm of His hand!
Thanks for being real with us. I am a sister in Christ & have PTSD also.
Hugs,
Thank you Donna — and being present here together as sisters in Christ on this PTSD journey of healing.
Precious Bonnie,
He’s counted each of your tears, and is healing you and refining you like gold. Like the lamb with a broken leg upon the Good Shepherd’s shoulders are you. Take comfort in being carried. He will give you the words. I love you, and I thank you so much for your sharing from the heart. You have blessed me SO MUCH!
Brenda
Precious Brenda, thank you for taking the time to be here this morning with me. With love… Bonnie
Wrapping my heart around yours, friend.
Thank you, Sandy. So grateful you’re here.
Going through some old posts that seemed to fit, I couldn’t make up my mind between two… so I linked them both. 🙂 Blessings on your getting back to your book, Bonnie! I know He has heart and light to flow through your story… and will carry you all the way through…
Thank you, Pam for sharing your post… and your heart here with us. Both is good! 🙂
I am just overwhelmed emotionally from all that you’ve been through, Bonnie. I had NO IDEA. I caught up on the back-story, and am reading this here. And I … I hardly have words.
I can say thank you. Thank you for writing afraid, as painful as it is. Thank you for unzipping your heart like this, so we can love you and bear your burden with you, as much as we’re able on the other sides of computer screens. Thank you for allowing us to pray for you. Thank you for pressing on, straight into that manuscript, as hard as this is. Thank you for being a witness to the strength that God provides.
You are deeply cherished by God. His banner over you is love.
Much, much love to you Bonnie …
Love, Jennifer
Thank you, Jennifer, for being here with me — right at the core of what this is. I have so much more to say, but “I hardly have words…” Wrapping my arms around you too, friend. Much love to you.
Hi Bonnie, Just want you to know I prayed for you and I am thankful for your example of courage.
Thank you, Noemi.
I don’t know if I will get to blogging today or for a bit either. It has been harder and harder for me to write this year. I will continue in my full voice just as you are bravely doing. I am praying for you dear friend.
I just received news last night, my grandmother had a stroke while in the nursing home. Hospice has been called in. I am off to go say goodbye now.
Oh, Katie. I’m saying a prayer for your grandmother… and for you. So hard… Love and hugs…
You continue to inspire me and influence me to also write through my fears and anxiety. I know it is a real calling of God and I shake in the knees many, many times. I’ve decided that it keeps me honest, real, and humble — I’m SO proud of you and pray the Holy Spirit carries you along as you write. In writing, I believe more healing will come … struck by Hosea 2:14-15 as I’m writing this for you …”Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor (trouble) a DOOR OF HOPE. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt .” Maybe this is an encouragement from God to you this morning — may He give you back your vineyards — lush places you feel have been stolen — and may He make this valley of trouble a HUGE door of hope that others may also pass through for healing and hope ! With all my heart — I really mean it 😉 — God bless you and pour His Spirit out on you, my friend ! Love you ! ~ Joy
Thank you, Joy! It went STRAIGHT down, deep, to the very core of my being. *tears* This was meant for me… thank you for letting it pass from your heart to mine. I’m sharing on Facebook now!
sniff, sniff — you’re making me cry too as the Holy Spirit gives life to us both through His word !
Thank you, again, Bonnie, for sharing your heart with us. We are so very honored to have you do this – you are showing great courage and trust and faith to continue on your journey of facing trauma from the past, and to continue on to write in your “full” voice. We will miss you dearly here, but will be praying, and waiting with expectancy for all the ways that God will use your story. And to hear of how He helped you on the journey. Much love and prayers for you …
“Keeping company…” that’s what you do so well in the heart, Cherry. I feel it every time I read your words. I feel it now. Thank you for praying & being present with me on this journey…
Bonnie,
I want you to know that although we’ve never met in person, God brings you to mind and I say a prayer for you when he does. The labor is painful, always, the baby is always a priceless, amazing gift and reminder of God’s grace and life-giving nature. He will be faithful to you.
Alyssa
[…] up with Emily and Jennifer and Bonnie Share this:ShareFacebookTwitterStumbleUponEmailLike this:LikeBe the first to like […]
Bonnie, thank-you for stepping forward and sharing yourself, your pain, honestly. You do have a valuable message. My prayer is that Jesus will continue to heal those wounded places and that He will give you the words to share with others. May God bless your writing. Thank-you for all you have offered up in the faith jam.
Hi Bonnie,
Healing is a l-o-n-g process, and often times there is no one standing with me except God and e-friends. The negativity I feel is a barrier to connection with people although I try. The emotional damage is too deep. Yet, I must continue moving forward or slip backward. I relate to you and I pray you will be wrapped in God’s love and presence and write your book anyway.
Thank you for the blessings to others of using your gifts.
Good for you Bonnie! You are very brave and courageous and I am rooting for you and praying as well. You write so eloquantly and you will get through this with God’s help I am sure of it. And then you will share it with others and they will heal and grow as well.
Don’t give up!
God bless you,
Lina
As always…how I understand…let me count the ways….
So thankful for you….your honesty, your transparency, your heart…
If you would like to have help in hosting/admining Faith Jam while you are writing on your book…I am happy to pitch in any way…
He is with you always, every second, step by step, as you write afraid …but brave. Praying for you, Bonnie. Let all this love buoy you.
You go girl! He has freedom for you indeed, of this I am unshakably sure. I’m with you in prayer <3
Bonnie, I want to send hugs, an unlimited supply, to receive when you need them. I’m so glad you’re writing even from the pain. (I’m not there yet; I thought I could write it after my mon died, but there are others to consider.)
I am so very glad that Jesus is with you, loving you deeply. No pressure, just grace.
You are not alone. Your story has been lived in various ways by others who cannot write.
But God is for us, so who can stand against us?
I hold you in my heart.
Isn’t that weird?
When you don’t know me!
I am so thankful for you my dear friend. Your words have brought healing into my own life, on more than one occasion. What you have said yes to is a labor of love. A weak yes, at times I am sure it feels like. But a yes to labor and go deeper into the love and healing He has for you, and a labor to bring others into freedom from their own hard places. You are a gift to the Body of Christ. I know beyond a shadow of doubt that Jesus goes with you. And He goes before you to prepare the way. Oh and in case you didn’t know, He’s got your back to. Continually prayers going up for you!
Good for you! Seriously…it’s good for you. 🙂 I’ve had to do something similar as I started blogging again (and with other things too)….take off the expectations I had on myself to write daily or weekly and just write when I can, be glad for those who read and comment and let myself listen to God’s voice and no other. Praying for you as you write, or don’t, as the case may be. Sending hugs Bonnie!
Thank you, Bonnie, for having the courage to share your fear. It is not easy to have courage during those times we feel so alone, even though we know Jesus is with us. He is there, crying too, because we have to bear the pain to heal. I have been in that place of darkness as the panic sneaks back in & then Jesus reminds me that He is there for me. I will pray for you.
Thank you for sharing yourself and your heart, Bonnie. I haven’t left any comments here before but this post really spoke to me. I’ll be praying you through.
The bible verse you shared really spoke to me too: “You are a letter of Christ, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.” 2 Cor3:3 …and it make me think, “what does MY letter of Christ say and how will it affect/help others?” I hope others see/read my letter and take from it that Jesus is loving and wants to be close to us and He loves us as we are. I believe He woos our hearts with gentle love and tenderness. Not yelling demands/commands. I hope I can show others in the world Jesus as I know Him. Obviously your letter is full of this same love. Keep leaning into Jesus. He’s with you – closer than your breath.
Be gentle to yourself. Keep listening to your heart. We’ll be right here when you’re ready to share some more.
Thank you so much Elle. It makes a difference. Knowing we are understood & not alone.
What a powerful testimony. So grateful God has given you courage to write afraid. I pray that He makes the pages as many and exactly what He wishes and heals you even more through the writing you’re afraid to undertake.
Much superabundant grace and peace to you in Jesus, Bonnie!
Hi Bonnie! I was just thinking about you and wanted to let you know that I truly miss your voice! Your writing is always so encouraging and thought-provoking! I have also been going through a dry season — a season of depression and fear — and so my voice has been silenced too; I haven’t been able to write in a really, really, REALLY long time. I just wanted to let you know I’m there with you, praying for you, hoping for you, and believing that you will overcome because Christ has already overcome. 🙂 This season may last a little while, but we follow a God who makes all things new — so let’s hold on to Him and that promise of renewal. I am looking forward to the great new things He does through, Bonnie!!!
I have been diagnosed with PTSD from childhood issues as well. God has been faithfully by my side and I know he will stand by you and be close to you and call your name through all of this. I guess I just wanted to add to the support and let you know, you’re not alone.
so proud of you for trying to write this book! May God give you the grace, strength, and courage to finish it!
Hi Margaret, I got a chance to surface and catch the words of encouragement you left here! I’m right in the thick of it, so thank you friend for your words. Just visited you at your place and loved the title of your book “Wonderstruck”. May God send His encouragement through your voice to many — and may it echo in the hearts of men and women as they find your book in their hands.
Oh precious sister in Christ I want to just reach through this screen and hug you. This is actually my first visit here and this my first post to read, so I am not sure what your journey has been but I do know PTS as a result of childhood issues.
I pray that our Jehovah Ralpha (healer God) brings you deep, complete healing that only He can. I pray that during this time our El Elyon (sovereign God) will reveal to you His presence is a way you have never experienced before.
Walking with you on this journey in prayer…
Hi Sharon, I just resurfaced from a break… and am just reading the words of encouragement you left here. Thanks for sharing your PTS story a bit. It gives me the “hug” that your heart intended for me. I hope you’re well, as you’re walking in your journey too.
Praying for you still Bonnie. Your honesty speaks volumes. I hear your pain and know it takes time for this type of healing to happen. It took a long time building the walls that kept you safe; and as they come down, the pain is huge. I know a little of wall building and am now learning to take them down little by little. God is providing ways for me to do it in safety. God is amazing. His love is like a warm, healing light that touches wounds and brings healing softly and eloquently. You have a beautiful story of courage to tell. When you’re ready, we all want to hear it. God bless and keep you through this healing time. 😀
It is so refreshing to reading the experience of faith from the testimony of somebody who is not a Bible character. Too often we make our examples of faith and courage exclusive to some biblical hero of great faith like Abraham etc. When we can point to similar example in our time it helps us understand the manifestation of these qualities is not something you merely read in a scripture passage but something real and present in our day. Good going Bonnie, you will be richly rewarded by the Master.