I knew it was time.
I wanted to get rid of as much stuff as I could. Otherwise, nothing would change.
My drawers would stay stuffed with stuff — that I haven’t had time to process.
Everything seemed fine — unless I needed to find something. In which case, a four bell alarm would start sounding and everyone in the house would have to pray for mommy to find whatever she was looking for.
My house would stand as I was feeling inside: frozen.
It was, as I said in my earlier post, approaching the end of the year.
I had come to accept that looking back, it had been nine months since I had my first panic attack.
And I had also come to face the reality that healing was not going to happen on my timetable.
As much as I fought against the notion, I came to understand — with the clarity of a new year starting without my complete healing — I am going to have to do life differently.
Recovering from post-traumatic stress is the journey of my heart’s homecoming. Parts of me that have been frozen are finally coming home.
I’ve guarded my heart so capably and so well that it has taken pain to touch it back to life again.
I needed to make room for this heart that Jesus is calling back to life again.
I needed to stand up for this heart of mine — and make some deep and radical changes — so that it can say, “Yes.”
Little did I know, saying “Yes” to my heart comes at a cost.
Because saying yes means I will have to say no…
To be continued…
“Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No'” Matthew 5:37
~~~~~
Do you find it easy or difficult to say yes to your heart?
How is God calling you to say yes to your heart?
Pull up a chair. This post was not easy for me to write. But, having you stop by and share always lifts my heart.
Click to comment and read each other’s thoughts.
~~~~~
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33 Comments
you wrote:
I’ve guarded my heart so capably and so well that it has taken pain to touch it back to life again.
i love what you wrote and it helped me recognize my numb heart coming back to life through pain.
i love that yu said this. it made me think of jesus and the pain he went through to bring us life. pain brings us to life so that dumb devil can’t win. yeaaa…
thank you bonnie, i love your post. it is so encouraging and helps my heart. it has been a long journey for me too. scary, because i don’t know how long, or when the healing will be over. but i was so behind in dealing with all my pain because i numbed my heart for so long. little by little, i have had healing in so many areas and it has been tremendous in my life. i don’t get so many triggers any more. it is wonderful what god has done with his timing.
your words are opening some doors and closing others. thank you bonnie. you are very brave. your sister in christ, janet
“I’ve guarded my heart so capably and so well that it has taken pain to touch it back to life again.”
I am two years beyond that touch of pain that began the long road home towards LIFE. My young son’s battle with cancer was that touch point and in looking behind me, THIS is where my heart began to say yes.
And you know this, Bonnie. It is so much more about the journey than it is about getting there. He’s not waiting for you to catch up…..or to get well…..Where you are now is where He is actively and intimately WITH you, delighting in you, breathing new life into you.
Love you…..
Bonnie, I continue to identify so much with your process of healing: letting go of the time table, feeling “different”, being frozen…So grateful for you and this community.
[…] yes over at Faith […]
Saying yes does come with a cost! But there’s nothing like saying yes to God, no matter what it is. I continue to pray for you Bonnie as you go through this season of growth and trust. The Lord will bring you through for His purposes. May you be comforted knowing that and also knowing that your friends are praying and encouraging you on.
Blessings and love,
Debbie
I am not like everyone else. Even my name is different…so different I use a diminutive of it in this post because I feel safer that way. I’ve heard people say with a slight touch of exasperation ‘she has a mind of her own.’ I see things differently…march to the beat of different drum. Recently, I’ve seen so many posts, words on Facebook and in meditational literature saying ‘be yourself’, and I take that as a sign of sorts because I’ve guarded my heart also—hiding myself away from others…projecting what I thought they wanted to see…me to be. That’s how I lost myself. But now…God is calling me ever so gently to be myself…it’s okay he says…I made you this way…because I needed you just like you are. Does the criticism stop? No. I still run into it and it stings…hurts…and I get quiet again… the exuberant spirit goes dormant…for a while…but then I hear his soft voice calling…be yourself…I love you. What I’ve learned is if we hide the spirit God put in us, we make the world a little colder. It’s important for us to share our hearts, our dreams, our pain…because we learn from all of it. Your path now is hard for you…I know…I traveled it and am here to tell you…you are blessing us as we learn what you find along your path…and you will get better…day by day. Hang onto Abba…his love is so healing! Thank you for your courage and creativity! God bless and keep you. 🙂
Dee – Just wanted to come alongside you and say yes, keep being you! I firmly believe what you’re saying and that you were made you to stand apart from the world and be the light He made you to be. So glad you are finding the courage to do this and model this for us, too!
Dee, thanks so much for sharing your story. It really resonated with me, especially the fact that you starting out by saying you’re different. Well from one different sister to another – let me also add that my name as you see it above is shortened..it’s actually short for VersAnnette. Now if that isn’t different – I don’t know what is.
I’m so glad to have found this blog at this time. I am at a crossroads again..figuring out the distinction between who I really am, who God created me to be vs. who people want me to be. It’s so uncomfortable. Even in my name, I see the distinction: growing up “nette” then coming to discover Verse. My coworkers know me as one way. My church friends another. My family doesn’t really have a clue. It’s all so taxing!
I’m with you on this journey to being yourself. Love and Blessings.
Saying yes does mean also saying no. That’s often the hardest part for me. So encouraged by how brave you are, Bonnie. Thanks for stepping out in faith and sharing a little bit more with us as you’re able. I pray it’s helping you as it’s helping us. Love you.
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We are thinking along the same line. I also posted that saying yes means saying no. And vice versa. Your post really spoke to me today, so thank you!
Few things ever do happen on our timetable do they? Everything is a process and I’m learning to enjoy the journey instead of trying to rush to the end to see what the final results will be.
What a journey you have been on this past year, so thankful you heart is finding it’s way home again.
Bonnie, you always come right to the “heart” of the matter and we must be going through similar things at the same time. It is like God put your blog in my path at just the right time to encourage me. I have been “frozen” for 55 years plus… in a “deep freeze” for the last ten years since I was beaten and stabbed and left for dead by my former spouse. But I had been verbally and emotionally and sexually beaten for my whole life. I realized as I began reading some of the posts at the beginning of the year that I would not be able to snap my fingers and wake up the next morning and all would be well… my PTSD and anxiety/panic attacks would all vanish. Or I would suddenly feel bursts of great energy instead of the adrenaline burnout I was feeling for more years than I can remember. I no longer remember what it is like to feel good or to feel happy. My joy has been crushed. I wanted a giant eraser or a film editing machine so I could get rid of the bad parts of my life. I have said that I feel like I am sitting on top of an archaeological dig and it is a giant pile of trash with treasures somewhere in there. I have to go through all the layers to find the treasure and decide what is truly trash and what is truly treasure… also realizing that God had a purpose for allowing these things in my life and I would not be the same if they had not happened. Nonetheless, I find myself struggling to find myself… to free myself … to “thaw my frozen heart… my broken, frozen heart” in my mid-fifties… now married to someone else who is not a Christian… a good man but someone who is having his own mid-life crisis… very overweight and dealing with blood pressure and his own issues… and two sons who are at transition phases in life and really struggling. In other words, total chaos. Add to that we are in the midst of foreclosure… had to move to an apartment… sell half our belongings over the last year and trying to regroup… we live in a mess of piles. But somehow the clutter in my home is a reflection of the clutter in my head and heart… and I need Jesus to help me “de-clutter” and “thaw” me and my house. And I have to lead the way for my family at the moment. without forcing them to change… they must go on their own journeys. I feel soooo alone !!! Your blog/emails really help me. Keep sharing. There are so many of us out here that really need it.
Bonnie Jean – I know we don’t know each other, but I had to reply to your comment. Please hang in there. I can’t imagine how all of this must feel, but I have also been through physical and sexual abuse and then years of serious illness. I know when we feel at our lowest, God is by our side. It has been years of healing for me, but He’s always been with me. He can work miracles if we hang onto Him through the healing. And you are a treasure to Him, and He’s not going to let you go. God bless you, and on the chance you need a hug today – here is a virtual one. ( )
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Bonnie – I can’t tell you how much I am relating to your story, and like all of us here I am praying for healing in your life. I don’t believe God causes hurt, but I do know that He used years of serious illness in my life to unfreeze my heart and bring me back to life. It was the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, even as I knew He was doing good work in me. You are so right – it’s not on our timetable, but it is better than we could ever imagine. I feel completely reborn, and even though I’m prone to wander back into old ways when I’m pressured to by the world He is teaching me to be still again and remember that life I found in Him.
Have you read “I Quit” by Geri Scazzero? That book helped me quite a bit in learning to say no so that I could say yes. You might like it as well. She talks a lot about the long process of finding our real selves.
Hugs, Bonnie!
What does reply RSS mean? Lori
Bonnie,
I, too, am saying, “yes”, but I find it is a moment by moment surrendering…unsure what the next moment might bring…learning to trust that whatever that moment holds, Jesus is there…was there.
Feeling ridiculous that I don’t have more control over my feelings, feeling that I am wasting precious time…then I remember when my son had cancer, the only thing he could do was take time to heal. Why do I feel this is any different.
For certain, feelings and truth are different things. The truth is, I must take time to “heal”, and that means saying, “yes” to the feelings and emotions that I have worked so hard to avoid…and it means saying, “yes” to God’s time table & his ways…trusting…perhaps the thing most difficult for those of us on this journey.
I have loved God since I was very small and considered Him my friend, yet, I have learned that I only let him come within a “safe” distance, and then I give Him the “back off” sign and/or I retreat.
Baby steps…I must learn that I can come near and not get burned. I must learn to understand that he doesn’t want or need anything from me. He simply wants to be near me because he loves me.
Everyday, I pray for you and those of us making this journey to healing and wholeness.
Hi Sweet Bonnie. You are right, saying YES does mean that you will be saying NO to something.
I pray God will guide you each step of the way as you reduce the clutter. If often goes hand in hand with my spiritual clutter when I take it out of my house.
Bless you!
Beth
Dear Bonnie,
Thank you so much for sharing this post with us and for discussing your journey to say “yes” to your heart, even though it can be so challenging to do that…I totally get that myself! I love your phrase your “heart’s homecoming”–what a perfect way to describe our journey to opening more of our hearts up to God for healing! Thanks for this post, and thank you for getting up the courage to write it! I appreciate it! Many blessings and prayers to you and hugs! You’re so brave!
It comes more easily for me to say yes to others than to my own heart. I know more than a little about healing not happening on my timetable as well. Christ in you is strong enough for this, dear Bonnie. He is the one breathing life into that heart of yours. Perhaps it’s natural to have pain as it wakes again, like a foot that’s fallen asleep. There is an “other side.” May He make His presence felt as well as known cognitively to you in your little boat.
Much grace and peace to you in Him, and the sweetest of dreams tonight, may it please God.
How lovely to find your blog! The inspirational nudge I needed to get back doing what God’s called me to do! I don’t know if I did things “right” – I’m still learning how to DO anything in the blog!
[…] see it's taken me to the beginning of February (and a writing prompt from my friend Bonnnie at Faith Barista) to spur me to […]
‘Yes’, such a simple word, but it carries much responsbility. I read a question a couple of months ago that asked ‘Are you TOTALLY surrendered to God’? Many of us would immediately say YES, but when I thought about it, I had to admit NO I wasn’t. And WHY? This is my Creator, My Redeemer, the one who loves my soul, the one I profess to love so dearly, and yet, I had not given myself total to Him as He’s given Himself to me, just as I have done with my husband. The reason, and there are many if we would be honest, is we are afraid. We’re afraid of the sacrifrice, of not being in control (as if we are anyway). We want to know the cost before we take this huge step, but we won’t know the it until we’re in it because it takes one step at a time. one act of obedience at a time. It’s scary to say yes because you wonder if you’re making the right decision, not realizing saying yes to Jesus is ALWAYS RIGHT! As I take each day and say Yes to my Lord and King, I still wonder what each day brings, what awaits me in my future as I pursue my purpose in Him and what sacrifices will I have to make. Through it all, I am saying YES more and more each day because I am understanding He holds my world and I have nothing to be afraid of. I say a resounding YES to Jesus and all He wants as I nervously walk this journey called Life.
“I’ve guarded my heart so capably and so well that it has taken pain to touch it back to life again.
I needed to make room for this heart that Jesus is calling back to life again.
I needed to stand up for this heart of mine — and make some deep and radical changes — so that it can say, “Yes.”
Little did I know, saying “Yes” to my heart comes at a cost.
Because saying yes means I will have to say no…”
Wow…these words touched me so deeply…absolutely so true of myself as well. Thank you for your continued honesty as I cannot tell you how much the overflow of Jesus in you is touching me with encouragement in my personal relationship with Jesus. You are a treasure.
How perfectly you have captured my biggest faith struggle. The simple and so very difficult challenge of saying to God – “Yes.”
I have often thought how much I want to be like a young Samuel. When the Lord called him in the middle of the night, he simply answered, “Here I am.”
GOD BLESS!
Although a tiny word, what a might word, “YES.” I’ve come to believe “yes” is a promise and I have decided not to make promises without my heart being engaged. How many times have I uttered, “yes,” and regretted my response…or, said it in order to move on…or, because it felt good…or, out of guilt? Too many times! As I grow in my spiritual walk, I am learning to say “yes” to the Lord and people with conviction and intention. I will think about my “yes” and what it entails, knowing that it will take me out of my comfort zone and stretch my faith. No more mamsy-pamsy “Yeses,” if that is a word. Obedience takes love, faith and courage. My heart says, “Yes!”
I did not feel up to writing this week….although, do I ever really *feel* up to writing these days? Mostly it is a choice to write even when there are no words, when I feel overwhelmed and pressed down, when I don’t know if I have anything worth saying. I know you feel this too and I am encouraged by your efforts to write in the hard days, to post even when you can’t finish it. You are teaching me much and I am so grateful. I am hoping to find strength and courage to write again next week and, as always, I look forward to the next chapter in your story; however rough or unfinished it may feel to you, your story is glorifying Him and encouraging your fellow travelers along the way. Grateful for you and praying for moments of peace and hope in your days.
Bonnie, praying God gives you the strength to say “no” sometimes!
I started having panic attacks again over the last month. I had them years ago, a couple weeks ago I woke suddenly in the middle of the night with that old familiar, yet unwelcome feeling. I struggled for weeks to stuff them back down, and not feel what I was feeling. Finally this week I told my husband and boss, I needed a couple days to just process and feel that I needed to feel, and make a plan for dealing with them, while they are here.
18 months ago my son went to live in heaven, the grief process has been a journey that God has graciously given me the strength to navigate, but I find I have no reserve emotionally, and when other things that are normal in life happen, even if they are small, they seem so much bigger.
I am praying for me, and now for you to know when to say yes and when to say no, and be okay with that.
In His Grace –
Bev
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I remember the light going on the first time I read something like this:
Your yes means nothing if you never say no….
[…] it’s taken me to the beginning of February (and a writing prompt from my friend Bonnnie at Faith Barista) to spur me to […]