This wasn’t supposed to happen.

My second son Caleb was born and I knew any hope of ever pursuing my dream to become a writer were dashed.

Babies aren’t projects.

They don’t fit neatly in the container of squared away hours.  They can’t be turned off.  And they can’t be managed.

They grow like seeds, planted in the bosom of your soul and organically climb like a trellis throughout every corner of your life.

I learned that the soil of my soul needed to be tended to, in order to make space for my two boys Josh and Caleb.

To love them the way I wished I was loved as a little girl required my all.

I could not multi-task my parenting heart.

Even though I multi-tasked my way from childhood into college.

To become a first generation American-Chinese and the first in your broken family to go to college, you summon your all.

And somehow, multi-tasking and taking care of everything and everyone else always came first.

But, quietly, my soul always waited for the chance.

Maybe when I become a stay-at-home — I naively thought — I’ll write my book when the kids napped.

Too Late For Me

That was before I became a mother of two at 38. I felt that dream would probably have to die until I get to heaven for it to resurrect.

Maybe that’s why God put words in my heart… so I could look forward to heaven one day.

My wise and logical left-brain husband Eric spoke with immunity from my despair.

“Why don’t you start a blog?” He tells me sitting next to me in bed, me in my cotton-T plaid pj pants.

“I guess so.” I sighed.  I wasn’t consoled.

“At least you’ll be writing. Isn’t that what you love doing anyways?  Who cares if it’s a book or a blog?”  He got my attention.

“Will you help me set it up?”  I asked.

As I laid there in the dark turning out the lights, I remember thinking to myself–

It’s too late for me.

My childhood has gone.

I’m a mom now.  

My calling now is to make sure my kids get a chance to live the kind of life I didn’t.  

Free.

Writing on my blog would be a token reminder — of who God made me to be.  A writer.

This Wasn’t Supposed To Happen

I didn’t start this blog to write a book one day.

It was the opposite.

Five years ago, I started Faith Barista because I believed my childhood dream would never come true here on earth.

So, when I opened a manilla padded envelope last Friday — and held my book Finding Spiritual Whitespace for the first time in my hands — I wept.

And I whispered with tears falling fresh out out of my heart —

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

Not to me.

Not to someone like me.

Someone who was so pitifully debilitated by panic attacks, my mind would turn blank and my heart would pound so hard, I could hear them even if I put earplugs in both ears — lying there like cold leftover pancake sitting in the sink late Saturday morning.

I had no beautiful words, but a new story began writing into my life.  A broken one I had long ago forgotten.

There I stood at the bottom of the stairs with this book in my hands — a book filled with broken stories, lit with the beauty of God and a new journey of rest.

This wasn’t supposed to happen to someone so lost as me.

You Stayed

This little girl inside with hard stories to tell.  She was never supposed to speak.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

And you. You are still here?

I know I should’ve haven written you 800 word posts, but the broken me could only send you long digital letters because that’s the only way I could write.

Me, who only eeked out one post a month for one year, which is like committing bloggers kamikaze.

Yet you stayed.

Me — insanely late with our Thursday link up today — and yet you are here?

(I’m so sorry for being so late for our Thursday link up.  I’ve been working at a single-task rate to fulfill writing demands and emotional Olympics getting things ready for the launch.  Thank you for your grace and understanding.  I’ve never done anything like this, so I am learning right in front of you!)

Together

I took my book and drove straight to a fave morning spiritual whitespace, a hiking path where I’ve cried walking and confiding in a trail of tears and prayers these past two years.

All of this wasn’t supposed to happen to someone like me.

You reading, linking up together, commenting.

You helped nurse my writer’s heart back together.

We wrote this book together.

Now, we are going to release this book into the world together.

A couple months ago, I invited Faith Barista Newsletter readers to join my Whitespace Book Launch Team.

I am a new author and I need the help of friends to get the word out about this book.

The response touched my heart so much. To know I wasn’t alone.

Help carry me across the finish line of this Book Launch, friends?

I’ll be creating a private Facebook group next week for the Whitespace Book Launch Team.

So if you want to help me spread the word, click here to sign up.  I’d love your help!

You can be a part of the Book Launch Team as:

{ A Reader } Read the book & share with friends to help spread the word.

or

{ A Blogger } Read and blog about your experience to help spread the word.

(For those who signed up in April, some bloggers have been selected by the Publisher Revell to receive a free review copy. You’ll get an email from me by Monday 5/12/14 letting you know. I’m so sorry there were a limited number of copies. Otherwise, I’d love everyone to get a copy!)

I’d love to hear what you think as you read. We can interact with each other in the private Facebook Group. Let’s encourage each other on our Whitespace journey.

Not a Project

This book was not written as a project.

This book was written as an unknown journey with you.

So, this is how I want my book to launch as well — as a journey with the kindreds.

This book launch is a journey of faith. Will you join me?

None of this was supposed to happen. Yet it did.

This Mother’s Day weekend, I have to be honest.

I will be navigating through an emotional minefield.

But, the beautiful thing is, I’m not so afraid. Because I’m no longer as alone.

Very soon, my stories will become intertwined with yours through this book.

This Mother’s Day

This Sunday on Mother’s Day, I told my husband Eric I want to go to the beach.

After church, I want him to drive me and our beautiful boys to the beach where he looked into my eyes 10 years ago to marry him.

I want to walk onto that sand, see our happy boys run along the edge of the waves, and find some sand dollars buried along the wet shore.

The beach is one of my spiritual whitespaces, where I feel close to God.

I will stand on that beach and smile, feel the sun on my face and think of you.

Mother’s Day this year will be a reminder that I will always be a little girl with Jesus.

That little girl in me will hold hands with Josh and Caleb.

Because Jesus is holding hands with me.

Happy Mother’s Day, beautiful kindreds.

~~~~~

Is there something you’ve wanted to give up on — yet God is bringing it back on your path?

What are your thoughts heading into Mother’s Day weekend?

Pull up a chair. Click to comment.  Let’s be present together.  

~~~~~

Now It’s Your Turn — Link Up!

To inspire your stories, here is our new Whitespace Thursday Linkup Badge. Write what prompts your heart. Share your voice.

Today’s Thursday 5/8/14 writing prompt:  what helps your relax as a mom — what feeds your soul?

Next Thursday’s 5/15/14 writing prompt:  share a whitespace moment  —

– moments of beauty and rest
– feeding your soul
– your alone time with God

Or choose your own open writing prompt.  Be you.

Click  to learn more about Whitespace Thursdays.

** Thank you for using #spiritualwhitespace to share your pictures on Instagram & Twitter! ** It’s fun to see the moments that feed your soul!