This wasn’t supposed to happen.
My second son Caleb was born and I knew any hope of ever pursuing my dream to become a writer were dashed.
Babies aren’t projects.
They don’t fit neatly in the container of squared away hours. They can’t be turned off. And they can’t be managed.
They grow like seeds, planted in the bosom of your soul and organically climb like a trellis throughout every corner of your life.
I learned that the soil of my soul needed to be tended to, in order to make space for my two boys Josh and Caleb.
To love them the way I wished I was loved as a little girl required my all.
I could not multi-task my parenting heart.
Even though I multi-tasked my way from childhood into college.
To become a first generation American-Chinese and the first in your broken family to go to college, you summon your all.
And somehow, multi-tasking and taking care of everything and everyone else always came first.
But, quietly, my soul always waited for the chance.
Maybe when I become a stay-at-home — I naively thought — I’ll write my book when the kids napped.
Too Late For Me
That was before I became a mother of two at 38. I felt that dream would probably have to die until I get to heaven for it to resurrect.
Maybe that’s why God put words in my heart… so I could look forward to heaven one day.
My wise and logical left-brain husband Eric spoke with immunity from my despair.
“Why don’t you start a blog?” He tells me sitting next to me in bed, me in my cotton-T plaid pj pants.
“I guess so.” I sighed. I wasn’t consoled.
“At least you’ll be writing. Isn’t that what you love doing anyways? Who cares if it’s a book or a blog?” He got my attention.
“Will you help me set it up?” I asked.
As I laid there in the dark turning out the lights, I remember thinking to myself–
It’s too late for me.
My childhood has gone.
I’m a mom now.
My calling now is to make sure my kids get a chance to live the kind of life I didn’t.
Free.
Writing on my blog would be a token reminder — of who God made me to be. A writer.
This Wasn’t Supposed To Happen
I didn’t start this blog to write a book one day.
It was the opposite.
Five years ago, I started Faith Barista because I believed my childhood dream would never come true here on earth.
So, when I opened a manilla padded envelope last Friday — and held my book Finding Spiritual Whitespace for the first time in my hands — I wept.
And I whispered with tears falling fresh out out of my heart —
This wasn’t supposed to happen.
Not to me.
Not to someone like me.
Someone who was so pitifully debilitated by panic attacks, my mind would turn blank and my heart would pound so hard, I could hear them even if I put earplugs in both ears — lying there like cold leftover pancake sitting in the sink late Saturday morning.
I had no beautiful words, but a new story began writing into my life. A broken one I had long ago forgotten.
There I stood at the bottom of the stairs with this book in my hands — a book filled with broken stories, lit with the beauty of God and a new journey of rest.
This wasn’t supposed to happen to someone so lost as me.
You Stayed
This little girl inside with hard stories to tell. She was never supposed to speak.
This wasn’t supposed to happen.
And you. You are still here?
I know I should’ve haven written you 800 word posts, but the broken me could only send you long digital letters because that’s the only way I could write.
Me, who only eeked out one post a month for one year, which is like committing bloggers kamikaze.
Yet you stayed.
Me — insanely late with our Thursday link up today — and yet you are here?
(I’m so sorry for being so late for our Thursday link up. I’ve been working at a single-task rate to fulfill writing demands and emotional Olympics getting things ready for the launch. Thank you for your grace and understanding. I’ve never done anything like this, so I am learning right in front of you!)
Together

All of this wasn’t supposed to happen to someone like me.
You reading, linking up together, commenting.
You helped nurse my writer’s heart back together.
We wrote this book together.
Now, we are going to release this book into the world together.
A couple months ago, I invited Faith Barista Newsletter readers to join my Whitespace Book Launch Team.
I am a new author and I need the help of friends to get the word out about this book.
The response touched my heart so much. To know I wasn’t alone.
Help carry me across the finish line of this Book Launch, friends?
I’ll be creating a private Facebook group next week for the Whitespace Book Launch Team.
So if you want to help me spread the word, click here to sign up. I’d love your help!
You can be a part of the Book Launch Team as:
{ A Reader } Read the book & share with friends to help spread the word.
or
{ A Blogger } Read and blog about your experience to help spread the word.
(For those who signed up in April, some bloggers have been selected by the Publisher Revell to receive a free review copy. You’ll get an email from me by Monday 5/12/14 letting you know. I’m so sorry there were a limited number of copies. Otherwise, I’d love everyone to get a copy!)
I’d love to hear what you think as you read. We can interact with each other in the private Facebook Group. Let’s encourage each other on our Whitespace journey.
Not a Project
This book was not written as a project.
This book was written as an unknown journey with you.
So, this is how I want my book to launch as well — as a journey with the kindreds.
This book launch is a journey of faith. Will you join me?
None of this was supposed to happen. Yet it did.
This Mother’s Day weekend, I have to be honest.
I will be navigating through an emotional minefield.
But, the beautiful thing is, I’m not so afraid. Because I’m no longer as alone.
Very soon, my stories will become intertwined with yours through this book.
This Mother’s Day
This Sunday on Mother’s Day, I told my husband Eric I want to go to the beach.
After church, I want him to drive me and our beautiful boys to the beach where he looked into my eyes 10 years ago to marry him.
I want to walk onto that sand, see our happy boys run along the edge of the waves, and find some sand dollars buried along the wet shore.
The beach is one of my spiritual whitespaces, where I feel close to God.
I will stand on that beach and smile, feel the sun on my face and think of you.
Mother’s Day this year will be a reminder that I will always be a little girl with Jesus.
That little girl in me will hold hands with Josh and Caleb.
Because Jesus is holding hands with me.
Happy Mother’s Day, beautiful kindreds.
~~~~~
Is there something you’ve wanted to give up on — yet God is bringing it back on your path?
What are your thoughts heading into Mother’s Day weekend?
Pull up a chair. Click to comment. Let’s be present together.
~~~~~
Now It’s Your Turn — Link Up!
To inspire your stories, here is our new Whitespace Thursday Linkup Badge. Write what prompts your heart. Share your voice.
Today’s Thursday 5/8/14 writing prompt: what helps your relax as a mom — what feeds your soul?
Next Thursday’s 5/15/14 writing prompt: share a whitespace moment —
– moments of beauty and rest
– feeding your soul
– your alone time with God
Or choose your own open writing prompt. Be you.
Click to learn more about Whitespace Thursdays.
** Thank you for using #spiritualwhitespace to share your pictures on Instagram & Twitter! ** It’s fun to see the moments that feed your soul!
45 Comments
Sounds like the perfect mother’s day to me! 🙂
When you started on this journey did you even think that this is where you would end up? Thank you for bringing us along, I know I’ve enjoyed reading every bit! (((HUGS)))
no, last year this time, I was starting manuscript from scratch! you being is making this journey real. thanks, Krista!
Bonnie! I am SO excited to read your words this morning! My sweet Nora was born when I was 4 days shy of 42 (!), making me the mother of three girls. Long story shortened, her (unique) needs took center stage of my life for the next 8 years. My gift is teaching and my dream, to speak. I saw my hope to return to teaching dry up and put the speaking dream on a shelf for good.
But God had other plans, and slowly I was able to get back into teaching…not in a school setting with the children I loved so much, but with women who He loved so much. I didn’t think I had anything to offer there, but a little at a time, He showed me otherwise. And the teaching led to speaking, just enough to challenge me and to make me know I am realizing my God-given dream as He is developing my skills and stretching me into the woman He made me to be.
I can’t wait to read your book and I know it will be a valuable tool to put into the hands of many of the women with whom I work. Oh, our glorious Abba God!
i love, love, love hearing your story, Tara. thank you for sharing it here. like the ocean tide, God bringing our dreams to us… not in the way we thought, but deeply in a way that tells us He remembers us. can’t wait to meet with you between the pages, friend! thnk you for being here on this long journey.
Bonnie, although you are younger than I am, sometimes my breath is taken away because of the similar thoughts, beliefs, and paths traveled. Sometimes I can’t even read your words because something in me fears that in doing so my own voice will be extinguished. Oh, the fears too close to my own, thoughts too close… even still, I am so excited and wish I could give you a real life hug for all God has seen to bring to fruition for you now. I am afraid to read your book (please don’t be mad!) I fear that it will be too close, to familiar to my own story and dreams… yet there is a reason I was drawn to your blog initially, a reason why out of all of the wonderful writers your writing voice echoed in the chambers of my mind. I am cheering you from this corner of the blogosphere and US.
I know that for me I had hoped to write my book by the time I was 40. So easy to make goals like that when one is young… and this year I approach my 50th, and recognize the twists in life that God has allowed. Yet also recognize He is not a limited to our time constraints God. Thankfully.
To His dreams coming to fruition in our lives, I lift my mug this morning for a coffee toast! However He wills, may it be a blessing and bring glory and honor to many. God bless you, Bonnie! Hugs!
Rejoicing with you in all.
i know. i felt that too about other writers that touch my soul. and i stopped reading/writing for many, many years. 🙂 Dawn, you know, you and me — our voices are like different notes of a chord. we reverberate the same harmony because we’re on the same writerly journey. but your voice is unique yours. and i need your voice, because it fulfills the resonance of the chord. i know that as we’ve been writing together. your voice is strong and i know it the moment i read your words, i know it’s *you*. and i hear my voice in you too. i hope my book will be the same with you.. that you will hear your voice rising in response… and it will flow from your heart to your pen… just as you’ve done for me. xoxo
Bonnie,
These beautiful words were worth waiting for — thank you for letting us link up here in this space, sharing our thoughts with your community. We’re with you on this journey and so excited to share your new book! You spread hope to us and we’re sending love and prayers to you!
valerie, your words are like morning dew on winter clover, as i gather courage each time i write. to know we are writing alongside each other… as we feel inspired… thnx for making this a real place with your voice, Valerie.
Enjoy the sun and the sand with the people who call you theirs! It’s never too late for our dreams!!
I’m so happy to hear your happy voice here, Kristin! I hope you have a wonderful weekend with yours too! will you be enjoying some of your #spiritualwhitespace? 😉
Indeed!! Hopefully some time outside….
you have done what was asked of you
and I know He is well pleased
it’s a sweet feeling! hope you enjoy a wonderful weekend, HisFireFly! 🙂
I am so excited for you! I’ve ordered the book and am waiting for it to come. The jaunt to the beach sounds totally heavenly! I’m waiting for a day to do the same myself. The beaches in California are so beautiful, so I can picture you and your family enjoying the sunshine, sand and breezes. Take care of yourself! Love ya! 😀
take care of you too, Dee! I hope you have a wonderful #spiritualwhitespace touched weekend! can’t wait to meet between the pages!
[…] my friend Bonnie over at Faith Barista asked the question, “What helps you relax as a mom, what feeds your soul?” I have to be […]
Bonnie, this was supposed to happen! It happened when God opened the door to your heart to tell a story that so many need to hear! I am anxiously awaiting your book (I preordered mine) . .. I read the stories not included in the book and they touched my heart – I know when my book comes in, I will find a quiet place to sit, read, pray, absorb all that is in it.
although I wish you never endured the pain you experienced, your being vulnerable enough to share it with us has been a blessing. I hope you know that you are being prayed for. I am already praying for the women who will read your book.
I have been a reader of your blog for a long time. always giving me things to think about, sometimes bringing a smile, sometimes tears. I am thankful that your very wise husband encouraged you to start a blog!
Happy Mother’s Day. Enjoy your wonderful gifts from God.
I love you, Bonnie.
Happy Mother’s Day to you too, Susan! Get a journal ready… for us to meet between the pages, friend. 😉 it warms my heart to know the stories touched yours in the pre-order mini e-book “The Lost Chapters: Untold Stories…” … make you enjoy some #spiritualwhitespace moments this weekend, friend!
Happy Mother’s Day to you, Bonnie! And congratulations on your book – May God used it to bless & heal thousands & thousands of lives. I like your term “Journey of the kindreds”, how aptly you describe the fraternal beauty that only God can orchestrate among those He calls His Own. More wisdom, strength & peace to you in the days to come. Hugs 🙂
thank you, sarah. you’re so kind…! i hope i can connect with the people God shepherds this book to read… and they will know we need each other for the journey. and that all our stories are beautiful, even if they are broken. because God is with us through it all.
Happy Mother’s Day to you, too, Bonnie. HUGS! Love the term “Beautiful kindreds.” Just what I felt when God led me to your site at the beginning of this year. Like Ann of Green Gables, I have found many kindred spirits here in you and others. I am overwhelmed sometimes with gratitude at what God is teaching me through all of you. God can and does use our brokenness to bring beauty to others. Beauty out of ashes. I am so grateful God gave you the courage to take a leap of faith and write this book. I’m positive it will be a beacon of hope to many just as your site is. I have already ordered it and am eagerly awaiting its arrival. 🙂 HUGS!
we’re all just little Anns 🙂 … can’t wait to meet with you between the pages … so wonderful our paths converged here in this community. happy Mother’s Day, Trudy! hope you enjoy a #spiritualwhitespace moment!
So happy for you! May this “desire coming” be as a “tree of life” to you. Blessed Mother’s Day, brave Bonnie!!
thanks, tinuviel! how are you doing? i hope spring is bringing the warmth of sun to you and your body is growing stronger, friend!
Thank you for asking, sweet friend. Yes on the warmth of the sun. Not so much on the body. I have shoulder surgery scheduled Thursday and some abnormal lab tests to be redone before that. God is good, strong, and faithful and will use this for His glory and my good, no matter how things appear or feel. Prayers are appreciated as He leads and reminds. This should mean extra reading time, at least, and lots of whitespace.
yes. take the time and release your heart to heal and recover. i’ll be praying with you, tinuviel for in-the-skin friends to come alongside you and for God to give you courage as you step through each day’s journey.
thanks! little did i know 2 1/2 years ago when i signed up for a James Bible study at a church near my home how much i would need those ladies. they loved us well through my last surgery in October. my parents are nearby and able to help us with the practical needs too. i definitely need courage, and lack it in my natural self!
thanks so much for your prayers, Bonnie. you are a blessing.
[…] Faith Barista […]
Congrats on your new book! I enjoy reading your inspirational blog. It’s refreshing to be filled up by other women of faith. It just goes to show that your dreams may be on hold, but they are never forgotten by Him. I linked you up on my blog under “Small Seeds” because that is what you are doing…growing small seeds in faith and compassion. Thank you!
Bless you! Such a long journey you’ve traveled…just like many others…maybe all of us… I’m so glad God never leaves us or forsakes us, but continues to encourage us and love us. And by His Grace we will be the women He created…to serve Him and fulfill our purpose on earth. So happy for your new book! Can’t wait to read it! 😉
I cannot go on facebook for safety reasons… as a victim of domestic violence for most of my life I know I will relate to your book. I have already ordered one and plan to share it with my friends and the people who read my “E-Zine” …. I cannot afford a blog space or a web site yet. But I have lived so many places my friends will “pass it on” all across the USA and Canada and all its provinces.
Mothers day has not ever been a favorite day of mine. I will take my daughter out this Sunday, she is a single mom and her children will be with their dad. She doesn’t need to be alone.
oh for Bonnie Jean above, (you can write a free blog with no out of pocket expense and make it private) I did.
“Mother’s Day this year will be a reminder that I will always be a little girl with Jesus…..Because Jesus is holding hands with me.”
This is the thought I will take with me for Mother’s Day this year. I am going to my mom’s house and my 96 year old grandmother will also be there. I am kinda dreading it… going to be with two of those who often make me feel so much less than. I still wanted to honor them for what they have done right. I still love them.
I want little hands to hold so bad. Wish I had some… may have to call a friend to go play with their children for a bit.
I am just so excited about your journey you have shared with us! Love you Bonnie!
Hi Bonnie.
May the Lord bless you with joy each day and with strength, courage and faith for each day’s journey. I have been very touched by your sharing of your heart in this space and this is a gift song from the Lord for you… Whitespace with God.
Whitespace with God
esp for Bonnie
Behold the dream
In your hand
Behold Your Maker
Smiling at you
Behold the dream
In reality
Years of sadness
Roll away
Tears of gladness
Roll down your face.
Behold the promise
Of the Father
Made good on that special day
When dreams lost
Became dreams found.
Congratulations, O Bonnie
Behold
Finding Spiritual Whitespace
Words in your mind
Now words on paper
Behold the goodness of God
Lifting you up
Higher and higher.
Behold your heavenly Father
Always at your side
Put your hand in His
Walk with Him
By the sand dollars
On the beach
Listen closely, Bonnie
Let the waves roar,
“Whitespace with God”
Thank You Lord!
You can listen to the song at http://scratch.mit.edu/projects/21884771/.
Be blessed and always remember you are loved by our heavenly Father who holds your hand in His.
Peace to you,
Ai Boon
Oh yes, may the Lord bless you with a very sweet Happy Mother’s Day!
Ai Boon
So good to read this. So happy for you. May God bless and keep you in this new turn on your walk!
I so love this post. I remember when I “met” you, when I found your blog. I recognized a kindred spirit in you then and see it even more in this post. Love it. Love you. Thank you being you in the space God has given you. It gives me the courage to be me where He has put me.
I just received a notification from Amazon that my preordered Whitespace is on its way. I am so looking forward to having it! Every time I read your email or blog, I find myself taking a needed breath and exhaling. The peace you bring to others through your honesty is just amazing and so refreshing! Praying for your book launch and that it finds its way into the hands of many!
Hurrah!!!! And I was so excited to get an email from Amazon to tell me that when your book is released on May 27th, they will post a copy to me! It is incredibly exciting.
Hey Bonnie
Thank you for this, you know what I had little girl dreams to be a writer too and I thought it wasnt part of my life so I gave it up when I studied to be a Psychologist. However in 2011 I went on a purpose course with a wonderful facilitator and in that course God told me – hey your purpose is to be a writer! It was painful and it hurt for a long time but today I write for magazines and prolifically for our own ministry (which was birthed in 2012) and am working on a number of projects. I wish I could get your book too (exchange bad from South Africa for American books!) but who knows. I would like to be part of your journey – because we together on a journey too! May Father increase you and bless you abundantly!
This post is absolutely beautiful! I love it! It has been so wonderful to watch from afar what God is doing in your life! Thank you for sharing with us so we too can know that we are not alone! I look forward to reading your book!! Blessings to you on this incredible God-Journey! ♥
My book is here!!! So excited 🙂
[…] Bonnie Gray wrote about this last week. Actually, her post was about her book release and how this — the publication of her book — was something that wasn’t supposed to happen. It was something that she didn’t expect because — and here’s the part that spoke to me most — she felt too old to accomplish her dreams. If it were going to happen, it would have happened when she was younger, before she had kids. […]
I received my copy on Thursday and have read through it! Wow is all I can say. I posted on Goodreads and was so happy to put this down as book I’ve read for this year…BUT…I am not finished yet. Reading it was not enough and I can’t wait to go back through and use the end of each chapter to really grow. How awesome it was to read through and how awesome it will be to use your book, your words, to grow and really get what spiritual whitespace is!!!