Are you still in contact with your mom? What about your father?
I never know what the person who’s asking thinks about my answer. It ties my stomach up in knots and my head feels tight because I know people have certain expectations of what it means to forgive.
It’s not just about my parents, you know. The whole question of what to do about people who aren’t “safe”. It could be a girlfriend, a parent at school, a co-worker, a friend at church, or your in-laws and relatives — or even your grown-up adult-children and spouse.
What does it mean to really forgive?
What Does It Really Mean?
As I continue to do interviews about Finding Spiritual Whitespace (I’ve done 17 interviews now in 5 weeks since its release), one topic frequently comes up: forgiveness.
It’s usually asked in different ways —
Have you forgiven your mother and father?
Have you forgiven those who have hurt you?
How has forgiveness played a role in your story?
The simple answer is this: Yes, I have forgiven them.
But, what does the word “forgiveness” mean when people use it?
Does forgiveness mean that the memory of what and who hurt you are obliterated from your story — and you should never speak about it?
Or does it mean you perform some sort of spiritual lobotomy and you no longer suffer the pain of what was lost or the hurt and disappointment of what was broken?
How do you know if you’ve really forgiven someone? Does it mean you need to reconcile and re-engage with them — as if the offense never occurred?
In some cases, yes. There can be reconciliation when the person who hurt you has understood the pain that was caused and wants to make amends and repair the trust that was broken.
In other cases, no. Reconciliation may not be possible. For a season. Or longer.
Where Life Flows
Forgiveness does not mean trust is freely granted or automatically restored.
Forgiveness does not mean you don’t have boundaries, if their actions are unhealthy or cause you emotional, spiritual, physical harm.
Forgiveness does not mean giving someone who has hurt you license to hurt you again.
Forgiveness does it mean open borders to toxicity, fear or intimidation to manipulate you into being the friend, girlfriend, co-worker, daughter, ministry worker, wife, … (fill in the blank), fashioned in someone else’s image.
You and I were made with beauty, worth, love and kindness in mind. We are God’s sweet child, made with intention, with an eye to details that make us works of art.
We need to guard our hearts, because that is where God speaks to us and where life flows.
What Jesus Meant
I’ve been asking Jesus what He meant when He taught in the Lord’s prayer —
“Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” Matt. 6:12
I think about the word debt. Forgiving someone’s debt means taking the offense off the “this person owe’s me an apology”. It means I cross it off as “paid in full”.
Instead of waiting or expecting the offending person responsible to love me back, take me back, stop hurting me — to give me acceptance or belonging I long for, I am now looking to Jesus to restore what was lost to me.
I’m looking to Jesus to restore the love, acceptance, understanding and belonging I need as I create a new life with Him. And Jesus is providing these soul needs from new friends, spiritual mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers, who offer me hands of friendship and family.
What I say in interviews to questions about forgiveness is this —
Forgiveness is an act of the will. Out of obedience. To release the person from owing you anything. To no longer want payment in some way for what others took from you, broke or hurt in you.
But, forgiveness does not mean you no longer hurt.
Forgiveness does not mean we don’t talk about it.
Forgiveness does not mean we hide our stories. And pretend it didn’t happen.
We’re all broken in some way. We all have wounds.
So, we still have to take the journey to heal, to grieve, and cry — in order to find what’s beautiful, to awaken our hearts to what’s real.
So, we can take better care of ourselves. To feed our souls. And begin to dream again.
People (listeners and readers) should not feel guilty for feeling sad, depressed or angry because of what has happened to them. Having these feelings doesn’t mean they haven’t forgiven.
It means they’re just human.
God’s Place of Rest
What the world needs isn’t a pain-free version of our story.
What the world needs is an compassionate, open heart that makes space to share real stories.
People are suspicious of someone who isn’t touched by brokenness.
Jesus knew this.
That is why Jesus lived and even resurrected with a broken body and a broken story of pain, suffering and betrayal.
Every story we read in the Bible echoes brokenness as it sings the amazing song of a God who makes us His place of rest.
You and I are God’s place of rest.
As is.
A More Beautiful Place
Maybe this world would become a more beautiful and safer place — if we were more willing to take one step out into the open.
And invite others to not be so afraid.
Because with a loving, tender God, intimate with our losses (our debt), we can bring every chapter of our stories to Him and each other.
The broken ones as well as beautiful ones.
Because you and I carry both. The broken and the beautiful.
This is what was on my heart this week, while living my everyday life with two boys home for the summer — as we survive on Legos, goldfish, and popsicles that make them sugar-giggly.
Forgiveness is not forgetting.
Forgiveness is a movement to remember. We don’t have to carry the burden of perfection.
We can create spiritual whitespace — to make room to receive from God what we’ve lost.
To feed our souls with what we need. So we live as God intended for us: alive and guilt-free.
Say goodbye to the prison of waiting for reconciliation before you live a life of joy.
God honors your scars and your story.
Give yourself permission to be happy.
Even if the current chapter of forgiveness may still be lined with tears.
“Out of the depths I cry out to you, O Lord.
Hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive to my cry…
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word, I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, ..
Put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption”
Psalm 130
~~~~~
How would forgiveness free up spiritual whitespace — room to rest and nurture your soul?
Pull up a chair. Click to comment. Let’s enjoy a quiet conversation here.
~~~~~
Now It’s Your Turn!
Whitespace Thursdays Link Up
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Today’s Writing Prompt (link up anytime): Share a whitespace moment this week.
Other writing prompts:
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– moments of beauty and rest
– feeding your soul
– your alone time with God
* Choose your own open writing prompt. Be you.
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23 Comments
Thank you for posting this, Bonnie. I was trying to explain to a friend my thoughts on forgiveness but couldn’t express myself well enough. You wrote exactly what I was feeling, but said it so much better! I am about halfway through your book, and love your openness, honesty, and your heart. Thank you for being willing to share such private things with your readers. You are a blessing xo
I’m so happy the book has brought us to meet between the pages.. and now here. Let’s journey together!
“God honors your scars and your story”
yes, this!
our story is His story
and as we share, He heals
thank you for the riskiness of opening your heart Bonnie
“as we share, he heals…” I’ve experienced this here with you guys… so amazing… the words you poet… powerful, Karin!
I’m glad you said that forgiveness doesn’t mean you don’t talk about ‘it’ any longer or feel the pain of ‘it’. For many years, some asked just that of me, and I felt ‘wrong’ that ‘it’ kept coming up even when I tried not to talk about ‘it.’ I did feel so betrayed. It’s taken years for me to forgive. Years in counseling and other groups to help me get beyond the pain. Finally, in the autumn of my years, I can. The pain doesn’t come much any longer. The wounds are healed. What God made of my wounds is a compassionate spirit who understands when others hurt. I am ready to listen because I know some hurts just don’t go away very easily. Surrendering to the feelings and to God’s healing have helped me also. I’ve grown into a stronger more resilient person, one who knows the depth of injury and also the pathway to peace and wholeness. And…the big bonus of the journey was finding God and a love that passes all understanding…unless you are the recipient. Once it’s been given and you experience it you truly want to pass it on because that love is just so amazing…so freeing. God bless!
You’ve lived a real story, Dee. Once your heart feels free, then your heart can’t help but want to love others and share what you’ve received.
[…] her blog post “What Does It Mean to Really Forgive?” Bonnie explains what forgiveness DOESN’T […]
Oh, Bonnie,
This was beautiful and so reflective of the Lord and His goodness. It was timely in my life – affirming what I know, but need to re-hear about wounds from hurtful relationships and choices I have made, though I wish other choices were possible. I can’t say how much I resonate “Amen!” to this and just love your amazing sweet vulnerability and your heart to share through your own pain so that we all can receive more of what God has for us – mostly Himself. With love and appreciation.
(sigh) there are choices we must all make, even though we would’ve preferred other choices. 🙂 But, God knows we can go as far as we can. And then, we must let go. “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Heb.12:14
Your description of forgiveness brings tears to my eyes. You understand me, Bonnie. Sometimes I get afraid that maybe I haven’t forgiven all who have hurt me. But as you explained, if I don’t trust someone or I keep boundaries from being hurt again, that doesn’t mean I didn’t fully forgive. Sometimes Christian societies can put so much pressure on hurting souls – that if we still look back and remember, we haven’t truly forgiven.
“People (listeners and readers) should not feel guilty for feeling sad, depressed or angry because of what has happened to them. Having these feelings doesn’t mean they haven’t forgiven.” I love how you brought this out. My counselor recently told me that it’s ok to allow myself to feel depressed. I know I do feel guilty if I still get depressed about the deep hurts, but you understand that it’s a life-long process. Best of all, Jesus so understands us and cries tears of sadness along with us.
Bonnie, I think this was the best writing I’ve read on forgiveness…for which I’ve been struggling with for some time. I yearn for the peace of letting go, yet need to hold on to a shield of protection from recurrent harm. that is a tough balance. It’s a new dance with those I am physically and emotionally close to.
I’m in marraige counseling. Recurrent issues over 33 years. Lots of forgiveness involved, and also changing patterns so as not to get hurt again.
I know that forgiveness will be the biggest lesson plan of my life!
I cannot tell you what a breath of fresh air this was! as I read this I kept thinking to myself “YES! YES! YES!”
How can something that is SO HARD to do be so easy to say? I struggle with the fact that I have forgiven people for a deep cutting offense. in the back of my mind when the memories start to resurface, and I have to shake it off I wonder “did I REALLY forgive them, or did I just speak those words to them to get past it faster?”
Thank you Bonnie for affirming that it’s ok to feel this way.
(((HUGS)))
Dear sweet Bonnie,
Your words are like a balm for my soul; as we all share a bond when we’ve been hurt or betrayed. The permission to “feel emotion” is part of the healing I think, as long as we don’t get stuck there, and allow it to rule our lives instead of our Lord. Yes the betrayal happened over 23 yrs ago, but sometimes I can feel the pain again when certain things happen( that question my trust) or certain words are spoken to me. The Lord healed our marriage and the sort of friendship that has followed had gotten stronger through the years. Gods plan doesn’t always line up with ours. His ways are not our ways, so we go to Him and He is The Healer. I just ordered your book and can’t wait to dive into it! May the Lord bless you always for sharing your heart!!!
In His Grace and Love,
Barbra
Bonnie,
I SO needed to hear this. Each and every sentence. I have struggled with what forgiveness really looks like and how it’s accomplished when my mom keeps hurting me over and over again. God has shown me that’s it’s more about handing it over to Him and trusting Him to take care of things in the way He sees fit, than anything I feel, do or conjure up within myself. He understand the injustice or hurt and He knows best how to handle it. Your words above, stated beautifully what I felt, but needed to hear and have confirmed and clarified. Thank you so much!!! What a gift.
I always get myself tied up in the forgiveness knot. I forget too easily what forgiveness means or more so, what it doesn’t mean. I’d like to think I’ve forgiven most all of the people I believe have truly hurt me or changed the path of my life in a sad way. I have two to forgive, I’ve been working on it for quite some time. One forgiveness I must grant makes me so fearful because I’m afraid I’ll never be able to forgive them. I think and pray and then I get tangled in that forgiveness knot. I forget that forgiveness doesn’t mean that I must forget the pain, doesn’t mean I forget the whole thing and pretend it never happened and doesn’t mean the scar from that most painful experience has to disappear. When I prayerfully remind myself of those things, my mind gets clear again and I can begin to pray for the grace to eventually forgive. Thank you for this post, I cleared my mind again and now I can get back to the business of finding grace.
I have spent years working on forgiveness in so many different areas and people in my life, including myself. I found I have to go back to forgiveness many times before I can accomplish it. And there are times I take it back, only to remember that taking back forgiveness means taking back the poison. He is faithful. When I give my forgiveness, God heals and lifts me up. No matter how many times I have taken it back. He is faithful.
I have a hard time letting the painful feelings come. I know that if I don’t deal with them they take over and I have no “control” or joy. I have been to that place several times. But I am still here with my faithful Lord, working every day to let all feelings come. I am reading your book and working on it. And telling myself that God is okay with this process, He knows it takes time, and He has forever. Thanks for this book that helps me remember to let go of the illusion of control and let God show me His faithfulness.
Yup, learning what forgiveness is–and isn’t–is a journey in itself.
For me, it’s a delicate balance of not holding people accountable for sins against me–while, at the same time, in the case of extended family, and toxic frenemies, not allowing him to reinjure me again by the same actions.
Maintaining lots of whitespace between me and them so that they cannot injure me by toxic behaviours, while not ruminating over past offences. And while praying for them, sincerely. Praying for blessing for them.
Thanks for tackling this difficult, yet necessary, subject. You really bring a beautiful clarity in the way you write. May the Good LORD shine His Gracious Face upon you. Bless and praise His Holy Name in Christ Jesus.
Thank you for your wise, compassionate take on this subject! I have lived this out as well and been misunderstood by so many who thought that boundaries = unforgiveness. Those who have not themselves lived with an extremely dysfunctional, toxic person don’t always understand that forgiveness and healthy boundaries can co-exist. Sometimes the only way TO forgive is to set up wise boundaries and put yourself in a safe place away from that person where you can heal! It’s nearly impossible to heal and become whole when you are regularly being wounded over and over again. And forgiveness can also be a long process that comes in time as healing flows.
Real forgiveness…. is hard and long and a process as much as a choice. I love how you explain it here and let others know that it is still normal to feel a variety of feelings! Real forgiveness is forgiving and remembering my story/your story….. thank you friend.
Thank you, Bonnie, for your insightful words and wisdom on forgiveness. I recently had surgery and have spent my time recuperating reading your beautiful book, Finding Spiritual Whitespace. What a blessing it has been to me — thank you for your vulnerability, your candor and your willingness to be exposed when that is so hard to do in today’s world. Your writings are a breath of fresh air. I feel encouraged to seek and discover my whitespace with Jesus. I have been humbly moved by your encouragement to do whatever it takes to recapture the beauty and love of spending time with Jesus — whether or not we say a thing. Your thoughts on forgiveness give me hope that others can move on but not forget the hurts they have endured. To forget the hurts themselves might tempt us to forget how Jesus has restored and redeemed us through all the hurts, disappointments and pain.
In the O.T. when King David was young, and he killed a lion or a bear, he cut off their heads to hang on his wall to remind him of how God delivered him from death. We need to do the same today — hang up high our spiritual memories of God’s redemption and making us whole again! Bless you — and thank you for your ministry!
Kim, I was so touched to hear how the book has spoken to you and on your journey of healing and the words brought some comfort and encouragement to you. May you feel as loved as you truly are today.
Thanks for this. It helped me in a forgiveness journey in my own story. Grace to you for all this new adventure entails!