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Is Father’s Day worth remembering when you don’t have a daddy?
Since my daddy left when I was five, I’ve never really had a hard time with Father’s Day. I described it to my friends this way whenever they ask if it was sad growing up without one —
I don’t feel anything. It’s probably like being born without a limb. You can’t miss what you’ve never had.
Now that I’m not a kid any more, I don’t have to lie.
It was sad — because I can never know what it’s like to have a daddy.
A Little Too Strong
I remember her words like it was yesterday. My mother told me to cope this way: “Just think of yourself as being born without a dad. Some fathers die when babies are born and they grow up just fine.”
What she said did make me stronger — a little too strong, maybe. I never felt the pain of a missing father. I felt nothing.
I made a detour around the place inside me that wanted a father. I didn’t think I needed to be vulnerable, held, or carried. To feel this way was a sign of weakness and limitation.
This changed when I became an adult.
Living by faith didn’t grant me immunity to heartbreak and disappointment. For the first time, I wished I had a father.
A Beautiful Possession
Being loved by a daddy is like having the sun kiss your nose while you’re eating sweet strawberries and running through sprinklers with laughter.
You don’t need it, but it can change your world.
A father worth remembering makes the pain of missing someone a beautiful possession.
Since coming into my own, I’ve learned that having arms to crawl into, shoulders to ride on, and a soft place to land are birthrights Jesus paid for me to own.
To feel loved by a father is a sign of belonging and blessing. It’s what everyone truly wants, no matter how old we get.
A person can die lonely in pursuit of a father’s love. Not us. When we embrace God as our Father, we are finally free to discover who we really are.
Celebrate The Day
If you’re like me, without a daddy:
1. Still celebrate.
As we read cards meant for others, read them the way I do at the card store. Read them quietly in your heart to our Father God. You may feel an ache, but imagine the tenderness on our Heavenly Father’s face.
2. Take steps to experience God as Father.
My relationship with God as Father began to grow from being a polite paternal relationship into an intimate belonging with my real Heavenly Daddy.
First, dare to believe: My Heavenly Father loves me the same way He loves Jesus.
“I have made Your name known to them … so that the love with which You loved Me may be in them…” Jesus speaking to Father God. John 17:26
Second, confide your deepest longings: My Heavenly Father takes a loving, personal interest in me.
“… I do not say to you that I will request of the Father on your behalf; for the Father Himself loves you…” -Jesus. John 16:26-27
Third, be honest: My Heavenly Father can handle my feelings, especially when I’m most troubled.
“Abba! Father! All things are possible for You; remove this cup from Me; yet not what I will, but what You will.” -Jesus. Mark 15:36
Fourth, pray to God addressing Him as “Dad,” “Daddy,” or “Papa.” My Heavenly Father has adopted me as His very own.
“For you have not received a spirit of slavery … but you have received a spirit of adoption as [daughters] by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!” Romans 8:15
3. Send words of encouragement to your child if his father isn’t here. Or encourage a friend who may be separated from her child’s father.
If you’re a single mother and your child’s father isn’t here — here’s what I wish my mom would’ve done for me. Follow the prompting of your own ideas, knowing your child. Your child may not express their longing or vulnerable feelings, since he may be afraid it would affect you or he may have confusing or difficult feelings. Know that any movement you make to be present with your child this weekend will help him know he is not alone.
* Reflect Father God’s love to your child.
Take your child on a fun outing during Father’s Day weekend, celebrating Father God’s presence in your family.
Ask how your child is feeling about Father’s Day. Give him freedom to share difficult emotions.
Comfort him with your understanding, having confidence that God can heal all hurt directly as Father to your child.
Send a card to your child with an encouraging note and Scripture. Sign it, “Love, your Heavenly Daddy.”
* Allow God to love you as His child.
Parenting draws out our greatest vulnerabilities. Confide in God as Father, who is intimately near.
“Praise be to God … Father of compassion … who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 1 Cor. 1:3,4
4. Take the time to list and appreciate the ways your husband is father to your child.
Thank him for the many ways he allows your child to experience God’s kindness, wisdom, and love — through him. How wonderful it is for a child to feel God’s love through the arms of a father!
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.” Isaiah 43:2
5. Send words of appreciation for your father.
If you’re blessed enough to have a father to call daddy: I’m so very happy for you. Look into his eyes as you hand him a gift or card, and say his name.
Here, Daddy. This is for you.
For all fathers reading this:
Love harder, even if it costs you everything you have. You are making a difference, the kind that lasts into eternity. You can never lose who you are. You will find yourself in the hearts of the children you love, along with the Father who lovingly carries you all the way until you are home.
I’d like to close by sharing a promise I’ve come to cherish. It takes my breath away every time I read it — because I know it’s true.
“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he,
I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”
(Isaiah 46:4)
~~~~~
How is God encouraging you on Father’s Day?
Pull up a chair. Click to share a comment.
* Who can you share today’s encouragement with?
For more words of encouragement and soul rest, order a copy of my book Finding Spiritual Whitespace.
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Finding Myself In Him shares about spending time with Jesus:
“I need the Lord the way some people need their morning coffee. If I don’t have my morning meeting with Him, I spend the rest of the day grouchy, frustrated, and impatient. When I spend that time with Him…I have a reservoir of peace and beauty to draw on… more energy, can think more clearly,,,and realize that my God is my never-ending supply…I need Him. Daily.””
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Whole-hearted Writing. You & Jesus.
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Today’s writing prompt: (what is God sharing with your heart?)
Next week’s 6/25 writing prompt: (what is God sharing with your heart?) or (how does giving yourself permission to rest impact your family?)
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17 Comments
[…] 5 Ways to Remember Father’s Day Even If You Don’t Have Dad […]
wow, did you touch a tender spot with this post. I am so grateful that God is our Abba, Father. The reason that I became a Christian was because of this very thought. He is our daddy and wants us to crawl into His lap. Thank you for sharing this beautiful post.
what a beautiful truth!
[…] sharing at Thought-Provoking Thursday, Beloved Brews […]
Hi Bonnie, I live quite a distance from where I grew up so it isn’t possible to physically hand a card to my dad and say thanks, so instead I do it with a phone call and a card in the mail. I don’t get to see him as often as I would like, but the times we have spent together, I cherish. Have a blessed Father’s Day with your hubby and kiddoes.
he will appreciate that so much! being far away can be so difficult. but i hope that you have a blessed day, veronica.
[…] & Bonnie Gray […]
I had a wonderful father, stern but loving and we did fun things in addition to chores. He was a very good grandfather to my daughter. Several days ago we were talking about relationships and what would they look like in Heaven. My daughter said, “When I get there I am running straight into my Papas arms.
I don’t think that is how we will act in the presence of our God and Savior, but it saddened my heart because her father is there too. He never established the relationship her grandfather did. Oh if only we could see the importance of good solid loving relationships. The best and most satisfying one being with our Savior, who died to set us free.
thank you for sharing here and know that i’ll be thinking of you. and your daughter. she sounds to have so much joy in comfort in the relationship with your father.
I know these will be encouraging ideas for many who struggle with Father’s Day. It’s such a tricky holiday, yes? I’m glad I still have my father-in-law here to celebrate since my own father is now gone. I do still celebrate him too, but no longer with a card and gift…
This is so beautiful, Bonnie. I haven’t looked at the cards for Dad’s since mine passed away 25 years ago. While I have good memories of my Dad’s presence, I have none of him playing with me; or even offering me guidance in life. In that era, I guess many men left that up to mom.
Thank you for these suggestions. I think I better put some tissues in my pocket for the card shop trip.
elaine i hope you will go! and read them to Him!
It was crowded in the card aisle and when I could get close I found I was standing at the “Daddy” cards. My focus was drawn right to the card ‘For Daddy from his little princess’. The princess didn’t need a crown or jewels or a fancy gown because she had such a wonderful daddy.
It is almost as if I can see my little girl self in a soft, frilly dress, kind of hopping up and down, twirling around, looking up to see if Abba was as pleased with the card as I was in giving it.
I read other cards to Him, but this is the one that remains with me.
Bonnie, how can I thank you for offering such a gift to me?
What wise advice you have given here, Bonnie. Out of your hurt has come healing for many others! God bless you with great joy this Sunday, as you celebrate your Heavenly Father.
As a child, my father was always distant; never showing any interest in his kids. I never felt loved by him. As I grew older, I recognized that all he did was work, and hard, to support our family. There were no extras, only things we absolutely needed. Over the years, I found it hard to relate to God as a loving Father because I had not known one. Since then, I have come to see my father for the child he once was…a late-life child, unexpected, and most likely a burden born to the poorest of people. He once told me I had no idea how hard he had it growing up. He had quit school at 16 to help his aging parents, then at 18 he joined the Coast Guard in hopes of a better life, but only served the minimum time. My mother was a child bride and needy, with small children. She could not handle it and wanted them to move back to the place where their families lived…a place that offered no opportunities for my dad. He worked for the most menial, lowest paying, and often physically demanding jobs he could get. It broke him down, wore him out, and used him up. No wonder he had so little to give, and now I can see and forgive that. I have come to love my dad in a way I never thought possible because of the love my Heavenly Father has for me. Now if I can just get to the point of feeling the same way about my mother…
your story is achingly beautiful and i am so glad you shared it. thank you, diane. you have a Father who loves you.
Thank you for this. With no true father in my life…well he was there, but quite abusive…it has taken me years to think that a male figure (other than my loving husband) could possibly care about me or love me just for me. But now I am fiiiiiiiinally starting to “feel the love” and for that I am so so so grateful. Much of this has been due to your book Bonnie, and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I never ever felt like a princess (as all girls should). Instead I have always been strong and like a rock…but honestly, I when I finally see our beloved Father, I am going to do some serious crumpling and falling into His arms. I need it.